Friday, December 28, 2012

Salivation


Every time I watch Bob's Burgers, I always get in the mood to eat burgers. Not even good burgers though. Fucking Big Mac burgers.

Is it a sign of the corporation's domination when I think the Big Mac is the tastiest burger of them all?

Thursday, November 29, 2012

And to all


Last week, I was talking with Patrick and Han about post-grad, how I had recently learned that the salary I should expect from an entry-level job in the field I want to pursue, television, is around $30,000. I bemoaned it for a bit because that is just an unliveable salary in New York City and contemplated how to survive. The two's comments regarding my situation dripped with disdain, basically dismissing the career path I worked my whole college career on as an insensible one. I thought about what to do, trying to figure out what job I should ultimately do instead if TV doesn't fall through for me. The alternatives seemed promising, but I began to cry because deep down, I didn't ever want to be in this position, to have to choose to do anything but TV.

Today was the last day of lecture for my Producing for TV class. My professor closed off the class asking us, "If you couldn't be in television, what would be doing?"

As my classmates around me started muttering answers like "surgeon," "lawyer," "stocks," I thought quietly to myself. Advertising? That's the closest thing to TV I could do if I really couldn't do TV. But even with that reasoning, I still couldn't actually believe this to be the truth. Even then, I still wouldn't want to do advertising. I didn't know what my answer would be.

But then my professor spoke up.

"Your answer should be 'nothing.'

You're in television because you love it. There's nowhere else you'd want to be. Otherwise, you will never survive. Have a good night, everyone."

Every speaker who comes to speak to us from every different corner of the TV industry always teaches us, among all the technical skills and characteristics we need to have to be successful in TV, above all, we need passion. Passion is your drive. Passion is what gets you out of bed in the morning. Passion is what keeps you up past 5am to perfect that script, that take, that edit.

Passion is what feeds your soul.

Good night, everyone.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

today and tomorrow


I noticed that we always seem to be dissatisfied with our current states of being.

As a rule:
When you're in middle school, you start reading Seventeen.
When you're in high school, you start reading Cosmo.

When you're in middle school, you watch TV shows about high schoolers.
When you're in high school, you watch TV shows about college students.

And now that I'm in college, I gravitate towards TV shows about people in their late 20's and even 30's. And I relate so well for some reason.

Maybe it isn't that I'm watching something I relate to, but more that I'm learning of what may be. Maybe I use television as some sort of time machine portal through which I can spy into the future in order to learn how to live in the present.

Too bad I watch too much television in the present to do anything about it.

I do notice that one of my favorite things about TV is the fact that it can guide you through the rough patches of life. Like currently, when I feel down about love, I know I can count on Sex and the City to show me the way, double points because it incorporates New York so well into it. I feel like it's a mentor giving me advice. And other times, when I just need to forget my worries, I can pick out a random Family Guy or Will & Grace episode and just laugh. It's usually these times that I feel so alone and feel like no one understands, but then the right TV show will come along and show me the way.

One day I want to be able to tell a story that transcends itself and provides solace for others, whether through stories of everyday trials and tribulations or just pure unadulterated comedy.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Grease is the word

I fully approve of my decision to spend my Wednesday skipping class and staying home to watch Grease instead.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Tina on boys

Amy Poehler: "There are a lot of girls who look at you as a role model. Maybe they're really smart and funny but aren't quite getting a lot of boy attention, and they're stressed out about it. What would you say to them?" 
Tina Fey: "You know what? Let the boys practice on other girls. Let them treat other girls like crud, let them learn how to French kiss for, like, 10 years, let them give some other girl a bunch of crappy Valentine's Day gifts, and then you just move in when they're fully formed." 
Source: Marie Claire

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The Productive Ways I Spend My Days

Today, I:
  1. Well, hadn't done laundry in almost a month, so that had to be done first. 
  2. 21 Jump Street was on TV so had to watch that because best movie ever.
  3. When laundry was done, before I could fold it, I had to pick the best playlist to fold clothes to because priorities ok. My "LETS FOLD CLOTHES" playlist is still a work in progress.
  4. My room was a pigsty, since it just felt easier to throw things on the floor the past few weeks instead of in their rightful places because Sandy. Can't work in a pigsty though, amirite, so had to clean that up.
  5. Made this bracelet stand in the process because there was a toilet paper roll and cardboard amid the mess.


    I am totally legit with crafts: had magazine pages spread out all over my floor and made a glue + water mix -- papier-mache, bitch.
  6. Remembered that Glee was trending on Twitter on Thursday, so had to watch this week's episode to see what all the hype was about even though I don't watch Glee at all LOL. Twitter hype probably wasn't about Blake, but omg Blake
  7. Defeated all the available levels on Bubble Mania finally waddupp
  8. Wow, A&M beat Alabama. Even though I'm a Longhorn at heart, good job, Aggies, doin' the state of Texas proud.
  9. Finally got around to starting that major grade paper that I've put off for 3 months. Still in the outlining process, until I started getting sleepy, so first, I looked up foods that keep you awake and realized my body defies all because I had eaten everything on the list in the past few hours except for spicy foods. Then I decided to just run intensely in place + do pseudo-squats (does anyone remember how to do real squats???) to wake me up, but it all ended up making me more tired... what is my life.
I think I did more today NOT working on my paper than I do on normal days not doing anything at all.

And I still haven't started writing my PRL paper lol.

Monday, November 5, 2012

The 3 Times in My Life That I Ever Held Hands With Someone

1. 
It was the summer before I entered my freshman year of high school. I was volunteering at a convention away from home. It was nearing the end of the night, and one of the other volunteers whom I had been working with that day asked if I wanted to check out the rave with him (lolraves). I said sure because there was nothing better to do.

We went and danced and because I am forever awkward, every time he tried to get close to me, I maneuvered myself away. About 20 minutes in, I was bored and decided to check out what else was going on. He tagged along.

I didn't really know my way around, so the two of us just kind of wandered and talked about things. I can't really remember about what exactly because the next thing I knew, we were holding hands, and I immediately became flustered and probably remained incoherent the rest of the night.

I eventually tired out from gadding about in circles in an attempt to unwind this confusing knot I found myself in and told him I was calling it a night. He insisted on walking me back to my hotel room. When we reached my door, I said an abrupt good night, which prompted him to ask, "That's it?" To this day, I can't tell if his leaning in was a request for a kiss or his tendency to bob his head like a rooster in slow motion.

2.
It was the fall semester of my junior year of college - studying abroad at Yonsei. Cameron and I had just found out that Sookhee and other random people thought that we were actually going out, causing the two of us to have a hearty chuckle over the matter.

Later that night, we met up with Douglas's friends from home, and on cue, we immediately introduced ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend because while Camstance wasn't our name, trolling was our game. We kept up the schtick, along with the "I'm Mexican" bit, for a while until we gave it up, or slipped, whichever makes us sound like we knew what we were doing.

The rest of the night is a bit fuzzy from there (Alcohol/Good Decisions 2012), but suddenly I was aware of the fact that Cam and I were holding hands under the table, interlocking fingers and everything. Then, one of the girls noticed and raised an eyebrow in doubt of our previous admission of relationship. I immediately unlaced our hands out of awkwardness and refused to say a word about it.

3.
It was the spring semester of my junior year of college, aka last semester. Will had recently moved to New York in search of a job, and he reached out asking if I wanted to meet up. This was during my lack-of-friends awareness, pre-therapy time, so I was eager to hang out with anyone who was willing to keep me on board when they cast their net.

We decided to just chill in his apartment in Brooklyn because going out to drink could get pricey, so I brought tequila. We chatted as if we were old pals (we weren't) and took some shots for the sole purpose of taking shots (Alcohol/Good Decisions 2016). The Mexican sting ended up being a little too much after the fifth shot, so he tossed me a beer.

Eventually we ran out of things to say (it took 20 minutes), so Will suggested we watch a movie. When we could find nothing good on HBO, we skimmed through the torrented collection on his laptop. He was a little too upset that I had never seen Kung Fu Panda, so I just submitted to the idea of watching anything that wouldn't require me to fake conversation for another 2 hours. He decided that watching on his bed would be more comfortable. I couldn't agree more because I innocently + lazily love beds, so we nestled in, but not close.

I couldn't feel the tequila before, but now I couldn't keep my laughter in. Everything on the screen was just, so, funny. 5 minutes in, and I think I was just laughing at movement. 1 minute after that I realized our hands, cold from clutching chilled beer bottles for 10 awkward conversational minutes, were providing each other with warmth. And here I thought that holding hands in bed during movies was just a thing of the movies.


Guys' hands have a sinister way of sliding their fingers into yours, like 5 snakes in the grass. (Or 10 snakes hugging? Is my serpentine imagery failing?)

But the moment I realize that our fingers are intertwined, I feel warm and safe and, most of all, loved, just for a second, before I decide that I feel too uncomfortable with this manual intimacy. Or any form of intimacy as a matter of fact.

Is it sad that in my head, I push all the bases up one and consider "holding hands" homeplate?

Of Carrots


Sometimes I don't feel like I'm really living unless I'm tossing and turning in bed in ecstasy, wondering what possibilities tomorrow might bring, imagining 542,364 different conversations that can be had with That One Guy.

Normally I'm tossing and turning in bed out of insomnia because I don't feel like there's any reason to go to sleep just to wake up to another day, with no plans other than class, then food, then more sleep. I just can't will myself to lie in bed unless there's something more to really look forward to. I'd rather just stay awake, aimlessly scroll up and down Facebook, and read random articles on the Thought Catalog all night.

That One Guy. I've had 4 of them in my lifetime. And despite all the heartaches that accompanied each of them, I really felt like I was living during those 4 times. I showed the best side of myself, and the worst side of myself. I was real. I was raw.

Does my credibility go down if I compare life to carrots? If I say that carrots taste good when cooked, but are best for you when raw? If I say that life is like kind of like that too?

Or do I just end up confusing you because life can't be cooked?

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Back in Light


I'm so overwhelmed by everything that has happened as a result of Sandy this week that I can't even write about it. My apartment finally got power back today, and I haven't been more grateful to be back. Seeing NYC, the always-lit city that never sleeps, in complete darkness and sleeping was so eerie. The city is slowly getting back up on its feet now, and in a few days, everything should be back to normal.

I never imagined that this city could ever be shut down, but I guess anything really is possible. I think I'm just more surprised at how everyone managed to pull through and get through this madness together. After this experience, I think I can say to the bottom of my heart that New York is truly amazing.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Guava


Monday nights are the best this semester. Every other day is shit.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Some day.

I always talk about how much I hate my life, but then I realize how lucky I've been and how much worse I could have had it.

One of the things I'm most thankful for is this almost-car-accident death I would've gotten into 4 years ago, but instead, the traffic lights turned red and I was the only car to make a U-turn at the time and was lucky enough not to hit the brick wall that was right in front of me. For real, guys, I accidentally stepped on the accelerator instead of the brake when I was making a U-turn, and there was a brick wall there, and I barely swerved in time. A normal person would've died in that situation.

Today, I was walking in 2-inch heels, and it's a given that I can't walk in heels, so when I was walking down the steps of Pace University, I slipped. A normal person would've fallen and broken her leg, but I caught myself and barely sprained my ankle. I've never broken a bone in my life, in spite of my incredible clumsiness.

Then, just now, I got home from a late night of clubbing and couldn't find my phone anywhere. I couldn't remember where the hell I put it and realized I must have left it in the taxi. A normal person would've forever lost the phone in the taxi and would've never gotten it back. But for some reason, Lillian noticed my phone in the dark seat next to her when I left and took it with her. What are the chances?

I always feel so sorry for myself for my sad, sad life, but then I realize that I actually don't have it all that bad. Especially since there have been so many instances when I should've just died, but I didn't. Obviously, I'm still here because I should be. It's not my time yet. Fuck you for thinking it's stupid that I believe in fate.


Tonight, Lillian, in the 4-year-long relationship, cried her heart out because she still didn't feel wanted.

The thing is, I understood everything she was going through, even though she probably didn't believe a word I said.

Look at me. I look like a man with long hair. That's all I see ever. I hate everyone's pity and lies telling me "omg no that's not true." I know I'm not pretty. I've lived with that for 21 years and learned to accept it and just hope someone, some day, will like me for who I am.

Whenever I tell other girls that guys never like me, they always say that they do. The thing is, they like me as a friend because I get along with them, but they never like me as a girl. I know this just sounds like an excuse, but there's no reason they would still hang out with me and no reason they would say things like "Dude, you're way too crazy for guys to like you" if they didn't like me as a friend. A guy who liked you probably wouldn't say that. A guy who was your friend probably would.

Not that I've wanted every guy I've befriended to like me. I just wish those few that I had serendipitously come to "like" liked me back. I wish some guy had sometime "liked" me at all.

I don't know what it feels like to be wanted.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Real life

Negativity of the day:
One of the things I disrespect most about a person is when they join organizations for the sole purpose of putting it on college apps or resumes. Or when they say they're part of an organization, but they do jack shit. Do you really not have any hobbies or interests that you can actually pursue so that you don't have to pretend you are involved in things that you really aren't?

TODAY: A TRUE STORY
by cons


EXT. BROADWAY SIDEWALK - EVENING

CONZ is walking down Broadway to Stern. Suddenly a MAN, Asian, looks in his 30's, approaches her on the street. They walk and talk.

MAN
Do you want to be friends?

CONZ
Uh... why?

MAN
It'd be nice to be friends with you.

CONZ
Are you new here?

MAN
Yeah.

CONZ
When did you move here?

MAN
A year ago.

CONZ
Where are you from?

MAN
Connecticut. Do you go to NYU?

CONZ
Yeah.

MAN
You must study a lot.

CONZ
Uhhh... I can't really say that.

MAN
So do you want to switch numbers?

CONZ
Uh, sorry, I don't really know you...

MAN
Well we could be friends then.

CONZ
Sorry, I'm not really comfortable... with... that... Thank you, but sorry.

I used to not believe it when people in movies just meet in public places by striking up conversations with strangers, but the fact that this has happened to me twice, plus the instance that I've witnessed two strangers hitting it off in a laundry room, is starting to make me believe that maybe people do just meet on the streets.

I wish people in real life were a lot more charming with striking up conversation though.

And cuter.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

I'm screwed.

GIGI
So, what, now I'm supposed to run from every guy who doesn't like me?

ALEX
Uh, yeah.

GIGI
There's not gonna be anybody left.


残酷な現実

I'm so startled when strangers and acquaintances are so nice to me because my "best friend" isn't at all.

Friday, September 28, 2012


Straight out of a soap opera, yikes.

But this is the part of the episode/movie that I start bawling as the father realizes how his selfish actions have been too self-destructive and now it's too late.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Can you see my nails??

My hands look so odd on their own, so I couldn't justify a close-up hand shot, but my nails are a dark purple to scarlet red gradient. :3 I blended them myself, I'm so proud~

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Mayo Jar & 2 Cups of Coffee


Don't wanna be that person who only reblogs things, but had to share this find from Facebook:
When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf ball
s. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Saturday, September 22, 2012

nonono

"I have often thought what if we could begin our lives anew. If we could remember the life we've lived and use that as a draft, as a rough draft, if you will."
--Vershinin, Anton Chekhov's The Three Sisters, Act 1
I realized that I've turned into such a bitch. Not just recently, but I might have been slowly going through the process ever since entering college.

I don't outwardly show it though. I keep it all inside and act nice on the outside, so no one ever knows.

It seems dishonest to act like you like someone, only to curse them behind their back. But if everyone lived honestly and outwardly acted mean to everyone they disliked, society would be a such a mess. Love & fake love make the world go round.

The thoughts I have inside are really frightening though. I kind of hate everyone.

But maybe it's because I'm on my period.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

~technology~


I occasionally browse online shopping catalogs but am never satisfied with the selection, but I'm pretty happy with what I'm seeing on Shoedazzle so far. I just bought $100 worth of stuff (and crying), so I haven't seen any of the stuff in person yet, but I'm so excited. It's not just shoes, but their bags are so cute too, and I've been looking everywhere for bags and have not been able to find one that I liked until I looked here.

I guess I'm speaking too soon and should wait until I receive my purchases, but in the meantime, sign up with my link please if you're interested. (: You take a quiz to begin with so that they can have a sense of your style. Idk if that affects what they show you, but I do like what I see.

Gosh, this sounds like such a paid promo, but it's only because I'm just at a loss at how to express my shock at my first good online shopping experience. Also, because Get Him To The Greek is on TV right now one of my fav movies ok

Monday, September 3, 2012

#firstworldproblems

I can only stay on Gmail right now because I was too lazy to watch last night's Breaking Bad, so now if I venture off to other realms in the Internet landscape, the episode will be spoiled.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

3 months

Last night,
  • Cha punched a hole in Soomi's closet door,
  • Cha stormed out of her apartment and we lost him,
  • Soomi unleashed all her anger out at Patrick,
  • I confessed to Patrick about my insecurities regarding him,
  • and we made Patrick cry.

This was supposed to be our last big wazoo before school started, but now everyone's a little tense.

Why are we so dysfunctional?

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Experience


I have these ideas of realistic stories I want to write but realize I have no authority or any insight on writing them because I've never had the experience.

Relationships is a big aspect of stories that I'm interested in writing, but I've never been in a relationship in my life, so I have no idea how they would actually work. Any one that I would create would be an imitation of what I see in movies and TV shows, making it feel completely unoriginal and generic. I could ask myself what I would do in that situation, but when you're head over heels for someone, all logic goes out the door, so any logic I try to inject into the story would in turn not feel right.

There might be a life lesson to be learned from this. I probably need to go out and have more experiences.

Or I could just write what I know and only ever write about sad, single girls.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Out of My Mind


This song is sick. Insane asylum sick, literally.

Fox Tuesdays


Check out the cool swag I got from today's advanced Fox screenings I attended! We watched the pilots for Ben & Kate and The Mindy Project, and then a live stream of a Q&A with the Fox stars in LA. I totally have to say, the Ben & Kate pilot was actually my favorite of the two. Quite honestly, I wasn't planning on giving it a chance at all because the premise seemed so generic, but it was so well-written and hilariouss. Lucy Punch is so HIL4RZ, but I'm so in love with Dakota Johnson be my new best friend okbye.

Also, Nick is so unfunny on New Girl, but Jake Johnson is such a riot in real life! I couldn't stop laughing. Max Greenfield, on the other hand, is so much more subdued than Schmidt is, but still a darling. :)

New addition to my wall~
I ♥ TV

Monday, August 20, 2012

Jesse drinking water on last night's Breaking Bad

Because it was the most hilarious scene.

You're welcome.

Learned how to make GIFs just now for this sole purpose.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

An interesting conversation

INT. CRIMSON - LAST FRIDAY NIGHT

PAM & JOANNA
Are you Korean?

CONZ
No, I'm Chinese.

PAM & JOANNA
But you're so beautiful!

Can't tell if I was supposed to be flattered or insulted.

In other news, I just killed a fly with my bare hands. I feel like such a boss.

L for Loser in Love


I'm weak.

I guess what I need the most is to just live in the present instead of thinking of what's best in the long run so that in the long run, I can look back on good times instead of no times.

In the present, it makes me so happy to see him after so long because losing your one best friend is kind of the worst.

We walked back to my place together tonight, and there were periodic lulls, neither of us daring to bring up what had happened between us, but I didn't care anymore. When he left my place, I pulled him close and held on tight, not wanting to let go. I just wanted to feel him close to me so that I'd know he was there with me.

I really need a boyfriend.

I'm probably going to regret this, but I totally get why girls never leave abusive relationships now.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Take a Walk


Wow, guys and girls, we're such pieces of work.

We girls, we're so emotional and so moody, especially just around the river bend, if you catch my drift, my bloody red drift. Occasionally, we'll lash out in amazingly dramatic spurts, with or without a stick up our vaginas. We love our girlfriends to death, but every other girl is a bitch. You cross us and you might not see the light of day until we want you to.

Therefore, guys just don't know what the hell to do with us. Half the time, they're probably tip-toeing around us because they know what we're capable of. It must be so blissful to live with constant simple thoughts of tinsel.

I guess if I accidentally bitch out at a guy next time, I can probably, actually definitely, just say that I was PMS-ing and there will be no questions asked. If there's one thing guys never want to talk about, it's periods.

Too bad it's a get-out-of-jail-free card that only works once a month. Hopefully they're not counting.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Part 2

Part 1 comes first.

But during all of yesterday, the whole time I kept using the events of the day to prove that I could survive without him. That I didn't need him to have fun and enjoy myself.

But when I'm letting him define my needs, what is that saying about me, about him?

He may not have been my better half, but sometimes I feel like he was my other half.

This past week, I've spent much longer hours lying in bed in the morning aka afternoon looking for excuses to stay on my phone, so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. I tell myself it's because my bed is so so comfortable, but I think it's really because I don't have anything to get out of bed for. 

I keep justifying to myself that what I'm doing is right, is best for me, but if it's actually the right thing to do, why would I constantly need all this justification?

By completely ignoring him, I was proving to him that I could live without him, but I think most importantly, I was proving it to myself.

I completely failed on my part though because I basically spent the past week reading and watching and writing and talking about break-ups. 

I admit, I do kind of miss him, but going back would just be asking for more abuse. I gave him this hiatus because slightly and secretly, I was hoping he would try to win me back, because then I could actually see that this friendship was for real, but instead, he spent the week talking shit about me behind my back to my most loyal trustee, so of course I know it happened.

The last time I cut myself off from someone was in Korea with Cameron and them because I was just ashamed of myself and didn't want to face them. Instead of saying I was crazy and leaving me be though, they wouldn't relent and kept trying to woo me out of my seclusion. They kept asking Patrick if I was okay and if he could talk me into going back to them. They even bought me Taco Bell, the ultimate symbol of our friendship, and left it outside my door for me to find.

Now when I have that show of real, true friendship to compare with this instance of seeming betrayal, I don't know what to do with myself. If I do choose to go back, in the back of my mind, I will always know that this isn't for real, that it's just out of pity or convenience. We can't ever repatch this friendship again and it really is all my fault.

One of the games I was playing on my iPod yesterday has all these levels of puzzles you have to solve. One of them is a sliding puzzle, where you slide the tiles and try to get the wires to match up. They get increasingly difficult with each level, so half of the pieces are really tricky. Sometimes you think two wires are supposed to go together because they fit together so well, but once you start putting the rest of the puzzle together, you realize that it's wrong, that the wires actually go somewhere else.

So maybe in this sliding puzzle of life, I'm currently being fooled that we two pieces of a wire go together. 

But I don't know for sure yet. I have to keep fiddling around with the other pieces to see.

Part 1

Yesterday, I watched my first game of the 2012 Olympics, South Korea vs. Japan Men's Soccer for the Bronze. I watched pretty observantly as Korea knocked in those two goals while I took uninterested nibbles into my baguette club sandwich but didn't stay long enough to see the game end because I had to leave to go take Christina to her eye appointment in Chinatown.

Sidenote: I really hate sandwiches that use baguette-like breads. Sliced bread all the way, man.

Dealing with fobs is kind of the worst, but dealing with Chinese ones is definitely the worst. Having finally set this appointment after a long drudging phone conversation, we find out that the eye people actually don't carry CRT lenses after Christina specified, re-specified, and re-re-specified to them exactly what she needed. Chinese people never fucking listen or care.

Well that was a waste of time then, so we decided to grab dinner in Chinatown at a ramen place we decided to try out. What we learned that day: Chinese people make the worst ramen. This was the second time I went to a Chinese restaurant to eat ramen, and both times, at separate restaurants, it was overcooked, so I'm led to believe that that's how Chinese people cook their ramen, uck. Neither of us could finish our bowls, but we made up for it by spending 3 hours talking about life. I told her about my problems, she told me about hers. It was really nice to just spend a day with my sister because in this busy city, it's so hard to find time to do so for some reason, even when we don't feel like we're ever doing something productive.

Then we headed back up to her place out of convenience because Peter had texted me earlier to hang out at night. For about two hours, I played games on my iPod while Christina browsed furniture online when I realized that Peter still hadn't texted me back, so I asked for details and he sent me an address and a time.

INT. CHRISTINA'S APARTMENT - EVENING

CONZ
915 Broadway, 10:15.

CHRISTINA
Wait, I think that's on 21st and Broadway. (types into Google Maps) Yeah, that's 21st and Broadway cuz my work address is 920 Broadway.

CONZ
Oh whoa, that's near here. 

CHRISTINA
What's this place supposed to be?

CONZ
Uh, I don't know, he didn't say. I'll ask. (texts "Is this a bar or someone's apt?") Well, are you doing anything tonight? Do you want to come along?

CHRISTINA
I think me and Simon are going to Crimson tonight cuz his friends are promoting a party there, but I don't know for sure because Simon seems really tired.

CONZ
Is Crimson a lounge or a club or something?

CHRISTINA
It's more like a club.

CONZ
(receives text) What, he says it's a club.

CHRISTINA
What the, I don't ever remember seeing a club there.

CONZ
Uhh.. I'm not dressed up because I thought we were going to a bar.

CHRISTINA
Wait a sec...

Christina types "crimson nightclub" into Google. The first result is the address, 915 Broadway.

CONZ
Oh my god.

Super weird coincidence. Christina and I never cross paths, but this night we practically had the same plans without even knowing it. Well, Christina decided that she wasn't going to go anymore because she didn't want to go awkward clubbing with her big sister, hahaha. We scourged her closet for a dress I could wear and decided on a partially-dried black mini.

Long story short, Peter and Will, the two guys I knew the best there, bailed, so I ended up partying with Jagi and Moe and her friends from the spring semester at Yonsei. Even though I didn't know anyone that well, it was a nice nostalgic escape from real New York. At one point of the night, we're not sure if we got booked lol. Weirdly though, I bumped into Lillian and Ran and some other NYU people there too. It was the first time in five days that I had seen anyone from NYU, so I also experienced a different kind of weird nostalgia from that moment.

Having only bites of a sandwich and half a bowl of overcooked ramen lining my stomach, I immediately got drunk off of one shot of tequila, 2 mixed drinks, and a glass of champagne. I know it's just me, but champagne only tastes good when you're already kind of drunk.

The group split in two when the girls decided to go to Marquee and the guys chose the K-town route. I stuck with Moe and Jagi to K-town because of the familiarity of both the people and the place. We drank at Woorijip (of course) and I was "good drunk" the first time ever since Korea.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

McLife

These days, one of the reasons I dread even getting out of bed on a day without work is because then that means I have to find a means to feed myself for the day.

For some reason, anytime I try to cook something, even if I've followed all the instructions to the dot, I still can't get myself to think it's edible. I can't tell if it's because I psychologically convince myself it's disgusting, but I don't ever think what I cook tastes good. Since I live in this city where groceries are just as expensive as eating out, I don't have any incentive to take the time to drudge through the labor of cooking when I can pay the same amount of money to do absolutely nothing except wait for the food to be set in front of me.

Sadly though, I live across the street from a 24-hour McDonald's, and with my abnormal sleeping habits, it's the only thing that complements my unhuman (inhuman?) ways. My room is embarrassingly always laden with empty McDonald's bags and cups.

Today I'm eating a salad though to make myself feel better. But then I added on a medium fries because.

There's a salad under this bag that isn't pictured but that reflects the effect it will have on my health anyway so yolo.

The only way I feel like I'm doing something with my life is when I'm experiencing another's because there's absolutely nothing going on in mine/I don't know what to do in this city by myself. I spent the day reading books at Barnes & Noble and feel like I've accomplished something. Now I come home and plop myself onto my bed ready to eat my McDonald's salad, medium fries, and watch Sex & the City (but after writing this entry at my desk because for some reason the AC doesn't reach my bed ?? ).

How does anyone who moves to a new city by themselves meet people by themselves? Craigslist is the creepiest place ever, guys.

I'm considering getting up and moving to a hick town no one's ever heard of in Iowa because at least the people there will be less into their own lives than everyone here.

Fuck you

"...I'm tired of people telling me it's a 'just get over it' situation. Fuck you, you don't know what it's like in my head."
--The Newsroom, season 1, episode 6
This one line sums up how I've been feeling this whole time.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm being overdramatic, but if it wasn't actually that big of a deal to me, I would be okay. I wouldn't have flown off the handle and cut off all communication. It's so mean to ever say to someone, when he/she's looking for consolation from you in an issue that's tearing them apart, that it's not that big a deal. Because at that moment, it is. At that moment, by saying that, you've become the enemy. You say you understand so that's why it's not a big deal? That means you don't understand.

Today, I explained everything to Callie starting from the beginning of it all: Korea. I even went all the way back to freshman year, reliving all of those bad memories of the bad people. I was the most eloquent I had ever been and I wish I had it all written down. I can't remember the last time things were backward like that for me, where I'm more eloquent speaking than writing. I don't think things have ever been backward like that for me. But anyway, she did what a good friend was supposed to do: support you through thick and thin, regardless of whether it's right or wrong. She understood that it was a big deal to me, even if it wasn't to her.

There is a right and wrong way to do friendship. You can build it up perfectly, but if you don't take care of it properly, the ship will fall apart, and you can't put it back together when it's already far out at sea.

It means nothing if I just let the issue go so quickly. He wins. I don't want to be weak and just go back because it's convenient. I need to be stronger.

I've accomplished absolutely none of my goals this summer. Since this is the last thing I've set myself to do, I will see this through to the end.

It's been two days.

It's only been two days and I probably have suffered more than he has and he probably doesn't even give a damn about it.


I don't need a vacation because then I'll be alone with my thoughts which will tear me apart. I need someone else's thoughts to take the place of mine.

Sometimes I wish I could be an actress so that I could just live other people's lives.

Monday, August 6, 2012

The Black Hole

It almost seems easier to have a boyfriend than to have an actual friend because with a boyfriend, if you don't want their company anymore, you can just break up with them and never have to see each other again, no questions asked, whereas with a friend, you can't just suddenly decide, "I don't want to be your friend anymore," because any reason just seems petty, no matter how big of a deal it actually is to you.

Sometimes, you're just tired of people, and you don't want to see them again, but when yall are supposed to be "friends," it's hard to "break up" because there are no standards for doing so.

Does anyone know how to "break up" with a friend? The last time I did it, I literally ignored every advance from the guy, and it helped that I was graduating high school and moving out-of-state for college. Now though, I guess I'm graduating this year, but I'll probably still be here, but he's still friends with everyone I'm friends with...

I wish, wish, wish I had more friends here. I miss having multiple groups of friends. Here, I feel obligated to just stick with this group because otherwise, I have no one else. I can decide to be a loner yet again, but that loneliness has always resulted in tumultuous moodiness, and I lose all ambition for anything in the world because I feel like nothing matters anymore. Not a good time to hole myself up in my den when I'm supposed to be out networking for a job straight out of graduation.

Now I'm veering again, but I just feel like dreams are just all made up post-baby-boomer-era to give the next generation more optimism after dark years of a seemingly black future.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I'm getting fat :'(

omgggguhhhh

Even though showers are such a hassle, when you're out in the humidity that sticks to you like Saran wrap, the post-shower comfort is the greatest feeling in the world.

Other miscellaneous thoughts:

  • Ever since senior year of high school, I've recorded in a planner the main points of every day in my life, meaning that so far I have the last 4 years of my life recorded in little journals. This summer has been the worst ever in my life because I've done absolutely nothing productive (I always successfully accomplish my goals during summers :[ New York is the worst.), yet I still don't find time to do real things. So the other day, I decided to fill in the past 2 empty months. To do so, I dug through my texts and chats for these past months and realized that my whole life can be pieced together through these technological records. Thank god for that, but also, kind of scary.
  • I realized that I don't have any close girlfriends to talk to about guy stuff. I mean, I talk to Patrick about guys, but it's not the same as talking to a girl about them because we wanna be girly about it, rate them, MFK, etc. Even though he's gay, Patrick's still a guy, so he prefers to not talk about feelings and shit. I also just have other worries I want to discuss, and guys don't care. I wanna have girls' nights and hit on guys at bars together. I always go out with just two guys by my side, so I'm already unapproachable, never mind whatever factors of mine could already be repulsive.
  • I spent two days in a Barnes & Noble last week just reading and it was one of the best uses of my time here this summer.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

OK

"NBC has partnered with UK satcaster Sky to coproduce a retelling of Bram Stoker’s classic vampire story Dracula.

...

The story sees Dracula arrive in London, posing as an American entrepreneur while he secretly plots revenge on the people who ruined his life centuries earlier." (source)

So.... Revenge with vampires?

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Summer time

Watermelon nails ♥

I've had these for almost two weeks now. My nails are growing long and it's getting hard to type and text, but I love these cuties too much to get rid of them to cut my nails :'(

So until I can think of a new nail pattern to do, I'll have to deal with being Ms. Crab Hands.

Friday, July 20, 2012

not smh at hsm!!


I spent the last approximate two hours singing along to soundtracks in my room, particularly those of High School Musical and Smash.

I've never been in such a blissful mood doing nothing productive when I think of all I don't have.

That was my ungrateful millenial status speaking, but I'm currently in the total mood to fall in love, don't have any prospects, yet I don't feel down about it. No, I'm not thinking of it in an optimistic light. In fact, I feel completely hopeless about my girlfriend-becoming abilities, but for some reason, I'm completely okay with it.

The other day, Cha was talking about how he was sexually frustrated, in spite of the fact that he has a newly-instilled girlfriend, and I realized how I wasn't, in spite of the fact that I haven't had a sexual partner for more than a month now. I just didn't feel like I needed any male companionship for some reason when that's pretty much the sad goal of my life at the moment.

Maybe it's because I currently have my first semi-stable group of friends here in New York. I'm not completely satisfied with it, but we three can constantly rely on each other to just chill, even though we live so so soooo far from each other. 42nd St to 15th St, all the way down to Financial fucking District. Patrick and I are looking for new apartments and we're totally moving up to more of the Midtown area so that we can all stay in relatively convenient locations for all of us.

We're the ultimate trifecta: straight guy + gay guy + straight girl (moiiiii), the platonic relationship Hollywood and television has not explored yet. It's such an interesting dynamic to write about, and I wish I was back at the state of productivity I was at in the beginning of this summer rather than mulling around in this incapacity to do anything real when I don't have work.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

The city is a pity.

I just came back from staying out late drinking with a group of people, and it was scary how all of us didn't really feel like we had a true best friend in New York. We all moved here, expecting so much, but the city's lived up to none of our expectations. I don't know if it's just us, but we're all together because we all feel so alone, but none of us can connect to each other on a deeper level.

I almost feel like it's the curse of New York. All these TV shows set in NY accurately portray life in the city to an extent, but I think the one aspect that fails to be mentioned is that so many of us feel so alone here. Everyone in these New York shows seem to already have these super BFFs they can rely on for anything, but that almost seems like it's because they grew up together here. The truth is, most of the people here left their beloved hometowns, friends and family behind to start a new life here.

It's hard to just find a new best friend when you relocate, especially to a city like New York, full of so many lost dreams. Everyone here is trying to accomplish something, and we all relate to that, but we're so focused on such a goal that it's almost as if we don't have time or space to give to someone else. If we have the same goal, we may relate, but we also realize that that means there's just more competition, and it's hard to help each other out when you're both vying for that same spot that is just so difficult to attain.

What are we all going to do?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A List

1. 90+ degrees today in New York City and yet I still chose to wait outside for 2 hours in Central Park for the free Indecision in the Park comedy show. All I got was this pretty nifty pin, but free ice down my shirt would have been nice too.

2. Because it was so hot, all I wanted to do was go straight home and eat Reese's ice cream and watch The Glee Project, but alas, a shower was necessary first. Showering is such a chore because I never want to take the time to get under that spitting stream, but once I am under it, it's too comfortable to get out. Showers probably represent my future relationships.

3. Even though I had established a pretty steady sleep schedule of 5:00am-3:00pm these past two months, for some reason, last night I naturally got sleepy as fuck at 11:30pm and woke up at 7:00am. Never has waking up early registered as natural brain activity in my life. Therefore, I naturally suspect something may have gone awry last night with my body.

4. Luckily, I did wake up so early because today was my first day of work. The word "design" is in my job title, meaning that I will have to engage in some design activities, so now I have to fucking crack down and own Illustrator, InDesign, and Photoshop like they're my fucking children in the course of these next few days so that I can design something that doesn't look like a fucking asstwat.

5. Cameron and Kayla came to visit me in New York for the past few days, so I had to lug out the mattress for Kayla to sleep over. Now that it's here neatly sprawled along my floor though, it's so much more convenient and comfortable guhhh to just computer here rather than move it back into storage so that I can reach my desk again. It's perfectly normal to have a computer mattress and a sleeping mattress as separate entities in one room, RIGHT??

6. I'm going to see a free advanced screening of Magic Mike tomorrow!!!

To me:

Saturday, June 2, 2012

The beats inside


Last night, Patrick, Cha, and I went out drinking together. There was a point when we all had finally gotten kind of drunk, and Patrick decided he wanted to go home. I chased after him to get him to stay, but we ended up having a sort of precious bonding moment together from the alcohol-induced truths we spouted.

I wanted to preserve the moment, so I drafted it up in a scene, but as I wrote out the dialogue, I realized how selfish I was in the moment. Everything I was saying somehow circled back to myself when it really was not about me at all. I was just writing straight from the heart, whatever I would instinctively say in response to whatever he said, and I can't believe how revealing it all was to me. I never noticed it before, but having it all out on paper made it so obvious.

When I think about it though, I am a selfish person, but I don't really deliberately accept it because it's a socially frowned-upon trait. But when I'm bored, and there's no conversation flowing between me and someone else, I'll just talk about myself because I can't think of anything else that I can talk so easily about. I do it because I think eventually the other person will open up about themselves, but I realize he or she doesn't because I don't foster the exchange. I just keep talking. I don't ask the other person to relate in regards to him or herself, so he or she probably just sits and nods.

Patrick says all I do is complain, but I tell him it's because I'm just trying to make conversation, and it's easiest just to find fault with things, but what kind of person does that make me?

If I keep this up, soon, my words will just mean nothing to people.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Energy

I've had this song stuck in my head all day.

I've been pretty AWOL on here, but for good reason: I've actually been out and about these past few days! Now that I think about it, I haven't really met new people though, but I guess if I keep at it, someone will come up. I'm thinking about working in Wix Lounge tomorrow, for a studious atmosphere and a possible chance to network with fellow creatives.

My dad's been calling me pretty regularly to keep track of my job hunt progress. It's really great of him to care so much, but earlier, he called telling me that I should probably change my career path.

I haven't even begun my senior year of college yet, and he's already saying that I will fail? Maybe he's being realistic, but isn't it still way too early to tell? I angrily seethed when I hung up on him and dwelled on this fact. Everyone in school have been super supportive of me, in spite of all the rejection and lack of callbacks, but were they really just babying me because they don't have the nerve to say what they really think of my goals?

I guess friends are around to tell you that you can, while parents are around to tell you that you can't.

In that case, whose advice do you take?

I feel like that's the fire that fueled me tonight. I hunted in new terrains and just jet-packed full-heartedly applied for six jobs back to back, each with a personalized resume and cover letter. I know that I put the most insane amount of work into my job applications because everyone else I know practically sends the same resume and cover letter to every application.

If I don't have the connections, I better damn have the spirit for the job.

In the end, I want to prove everyone wrong. If no one actually believes in me, then I want to work so much harder to show that I have so much more to offer. I was about to give up on spec writing, but goddamn it, tomorrow I'm diving right back into that half-written cold open and writing it.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Stephen Caribbean


Yesterday, Urban Outfitters was hosting this event where you could decorate your own Munny in participating stores or go to the huge 5th Ave store and get yours personally designed by a kidrobot artist.

Patrick and I went to the 14th St one to do-it-ourselves decorate because it was close by. God dang, it was pouring like fuuuuuck by the way. Seriously, New York, it didn't rain at all in April and now May is dropping deuces like it had Taco Bell for every meal. Because we would've been soaked it we went outside again, we decided that taking our time decorating our Munnys inside Urban wouldn't be too bad.

We were given free markers, glitter, and glue. I hadn't done anything arts-and-craftsy with my hands for a long time, and I've got to say, those were the most relaxing 2 hours I had in a while. Across the table from us were a group of elementary aged kids decorating as well while chatting. Listening to their conversations while coloring just reminded me of the innocent old days of being young. It was really nice to not have anything to worry about, except for which color to color the Munny's arms with.

Above is my finished result. It's a standing hippo dude wearing a hat with glitter flowers. I named him Stephen Caribbean. Just being in an environment that enveloped me in youthfulness started bringing back memories of my younger self, and how when I used to draw pictures for fun, I would draw peace signs and yin-yang signs on everything. So you can't see it in the picture, but Stephen has a purple peace sign drawn on the back of his head.

"Does this mean I was a hippie?" I inquired to Patrick.

私も恋愛とかできない

Wow, that was the most realistic ending I've ever seen in a drama.

Spoiler alert for Watashi ga Renai Dekinai Riyuu:
This whole time, you assume the girls are going to end up with their guys, despite all the troubles, because this is a drama, so the girl always ends up with the guy.

Yet that's exactly what didn't happen.
-Saki was in love with a married man. That's the shittiest situation to be in because it's kind of terrible to force him into a situation where he would have to cheat on or leave his wife. She thought about it and decided in the end that it was best that he stayed with his wife, since the wife really wanted to make it work, so she broke it off. She was probably the character with the worst luck with guys, but even though she didn't have anyone at the end, she finally got a job that she wanted and things aren't so bad after all.

-Mako started to realize that she liked the chef, but she doesn't jump into it suddenly. It ends with her finally accepting the fact and continuing to live on to see what happens. You don't know if the chef likes her back or not because guys don't always like you back anyway, but there's hope in this new possibility for her.

-And finally, Emi had to decide whether or not to go off to America with Yuu, her best friend whom she's been in love with this whole time. Normally, any show or movie would have the girl/guy run after her/his love because ~*love conquers all*~, but Emi in the end decides to stay in Japan because she doesn't want to get rid of her life just for love when she still doesn't know exactly what she wants to do in life. Granted, she said that she wanted to be close to her loved ones, but I felt that that was kind of a bold move on a TV drama's part because they always have the heroine make the sweeping life-changing decision, no matter how risky and unrealistic it seems in real life. It was kind of great that they made Emi choose to stay even though she loved Yuu because not anyone can just drop everything and follow their love wherever they go if they haven't figured out their life yet. And that's not really the sensible thing to do either.

I love how in the end, the drama smartly revolved around a great theme: Love really isn't all that simple and can't really take over your life because there's so much more to life than love. However, it can be a really wonderful piece of life, so you shouldn't cut it out of your life altogether either.

It was adorable how the last bit of the finale was shot live. I really love that the Japanese drama genre is starting to embrace some live shooting because I think live television is one of the most magical things ever.
/end drama talk.

Then I feel like I'm so adamant on pursuing love right now because I don't even have the other parts of my life, so I'm trying so hard to get this piece in play.

My four quadrants of life:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Work
4. Love

I'm 1 out of 4, the one which is family, which you're born with, so it's an automatic fill. I'm not having the best rate, guys.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

much better than I thought

I'm gradually getting my life back together.

-I just had my first dentist appointment in a year today and have picked up flossing again. Bad habits are hard to break, and good ones are just as hard to pick up. Let's hope this one lasts.

-Because of the appointment, I had to wake up before my usual 2pm, so today's the first day that I've had three full meals since... months ago. It feels pretty great to eat food at regular intervals, although I did sneak a munching of Pop Chips just now at midnight.

-I have a hair appointment tomorrow AND an interview (fingers-crossed for that). It's a Skype interview, so boo having to wear real clothes, but yay for no pants! After all that, I have a bunch of errands I have to run.

-For the big day I have ahead of me tomorrow, I compiled the need-to-do's into a to-do list. I haven't written to-do lists to help me get my life straight for years now, so organizing my life again was so refreshing via el to-do list japones above. Side note, when did my handwriting become so neat all of a sudden?

-The other day I cleaned the whole apartment, and I had never felt so satisfied in my life. I've still managed to keep the apartment clean since then, putting things back where I got them, washing dishes immediately after I use them.

-I've successfully worked out for an hour every day since a week and a half ago. My thighs have never felt so tight.

-Almost caught up with my shows! 2 more episodes of Mad Men and 2 more episodes of Veep. Then perhaps I shall get started with Homeland?

-I splurged yesterday and went out of my way to buy Popeyes for lunch/dinner/the meal of the day. To my luck, the Popeyes I went to in Chinatown was having a deal where you show your Popeyes receipt to the new bubble tea store next door for a free milk tea. Juicy fried chicken + milk tea = won at life last night.

I'm kind of doing a terrific job trucking along on my own these days.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Flamingo Dream


Sometimes she wants to tell people that she’s a psychic because that’s what it feels like. The colors they choose generally reflect their personalities, their moods. Red is a classic bold color, so just from a glance at their wardrobe can she tell whether they are classy or just trying to seem that way. She’s a big fan of the neons because they always have the most fascinating conversations. Black scares her, but luckily, they aren’t the types who would come to a shop anyway.

Today, it is a royal blue. The cool, calm, and collected hue. The woman sets her fingers on the table and immediately begins speaking. She has a gig tonight. At the jazz bar in the hotel downtown. Her manager got it for her. This is her first big gig. She thinks she was able to get it because her album sales are phenomenal, even in this digital economy. The local post calls her voice “a puree of Corinne Bailey Rae and Regina Spektor.” It feels so great to be appreciated.

As she paints, she gets lost in the azure. The faint pink is the color of shrimp, but with a graceful stroke, it is devoured by the sea of dark blue. No trace to be seen. One coat is the color of a tweeting blue jay, but with another, it becomes the color of the beautiful night sky. The night sky under which she used to look upon the passersby, stamping the sand off their feet. They laugh, they hold hands, but is this because they hear her, or because they don’t? The clasps glisten at the moon. Her melody mingles with the sounds of the crashing waves. One of them stops and looks. She looks but doesn’t stop. A dollar bill plops onto the plush, creating a shelter from the salty air for the old quarters. It feels so great to be appreciated.

The woman doesn’t need conversation. She just needs approval, so occasional nods and smiles are enough. But maybe she doesn’t even have to be there. Maybe she can just sit there and the woman will still be talking. Maybe she can just get up and leave and everything will still be the same. And then maybe she can return to the sea and be a part of the music.

Suddenly, instead of the sounds of the ebbs and the tides, she hears the roars of the others. No money. No living. No job. She’s always wanted to prove them wrong, but everyone stopped supporting her when she couldn’t support herself any longer.

Eight o’clock. She cleans her station and picks up her purse. The door rings as she steps out, as if signaling a cheery good bye. Happy you’re gone. Happy to be gone. The tides are calling her, and she lets them take her closer and closer, until she reaches a new sign. An unfamiliar sign.

Walking in is like being smothered by a huge wave of chatter and laughter. This place of uncouth noise and people couldn’t possibly have been what was calling her away. They laugh, they hold hands. She finds an area away from them and takes a seat. One vodka cocktail please.

The man sets a napkin down and gently places the drink on top. He adds a plastic garnish, a flamingo, on a stick. How kitschy. But she peers at the pink gaudy piece of plastic, and the creature it has taken the form of. A flamingo isn’t always pink. It just eats so much shrimp that it turns pink. But it can’t become white again. Doesn’t it miss being white? Do you think it dreams of what it’d be like to be white again?

He picks up the stick and frowns at it. He looks at both sides and plops it right back into the glass. Even if it does, it’s so beautiful when pink. If it was white, it wouldn’t look like a flamingo anymore. Maybe it’s just meant to be pink.

She sips the drink, looking outside at the sea. When she finishes, she leaves a tip and takes the flamingo.

Supine, she reflects on the days on the shore. How she waited all day for crowds to enjoy her music. How she worried when each day only ended in nine dollars. How she painted her nails to keep her from biting. How her pick kept her cuticles intact. How her little form of luxury caught his eye. How he stopped and looked and dropped the dollar and asked her to come along.

Ten o’clock. The sunlight dances on the chimes as they ring, gracing her entrance. Good morning, he greets her, with the same warmth of that summer night he brought her here, sheltered her, and helped her back to her feet, and back to her hands.

Today, it is a neon yellow. The bright, cheery, and powerful hue. She can’t help but smile at the fantastical tales. She laughs and asks for more, sitting in her stylish orange swivel, against a wall of rainbow. The glint from the door chimes reflects the glass full of nail files on her table, and protruding out of it in her line of sight is a flamingo, strutting eternally in a bright pink and grateful for where it is and what it has become.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

such a fucking existentialist

"We're all slaves to this place that doesn't really want us."
--Girls, episode 6
Today, I trucked ahead and continued to apply for jobs.

I need a haircut because my hair is just the messiest it's ever been.
I need a dentist's appointment because I haven't gotten my teeth cleaned in a year.
I need a strapless bra because it's a staple in a girl's wardrobe.

I realized that maybe TV writing isn't for me.
It's such a big decision for me to come to, since this was what I was going to dedicate this summer to.
It's just so hard for me to stick to and manipulate someone else's voice because my own voice always, always seeps through and takes over, even in formal reports, even in business papers. Why do I always feel the need to snark out everything?

Maybe the bigger problem is that I don't have a grasp on the basics of storytelling yet. Every time I write anything, there's no inciting event, there's no resolution because there's no conflict, there's no bigger problem. When I write, nothing happens, like in Mad Men.

Things just occur, but nothing happens.

Maybe it's because my life is currently going through this kind of stagnancy, and I can only relate what I know.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Simply



It's close to 3am and I'm kind of buzzed.

I've microwaved a bowl of Easy Mac, washed up a bowl of strawberries, got my jar full of water, and 30 Minutes or Less on HD on my TV. This is the life, in spite of the fact that my hardcore night fell through.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

the "what-the-fuck"

Let's call it the "what-the-fuck."
I had showered and changed into my PJs and snuggled up on my beanbag watching Freaks and Geeks when I suddenly decided that I should just go out. It was only 12:30am.

So I just got up and changed back into nice clothes and put my contacts back in and was ready to go out. I didn't care if I didn't have anyone else because I don't ever have anyone else anymore. I hadn't gone out in NYC at all even though I've been 21 for a while, so it was about damn time that I got off my lazy ass and aimed to have the fun that I had every fucking night in Seoul.

I headed over to Lower East Side to a bar that Childish Gambino was spinning at for the night, but by the time I got there, there was a line. I waited 20 minutes and never got in because they just closed.

So I decided to go up to K-town and hit this new lounge that opened a month ago. I waited for the subway for about 10 minutes, but when I realized that it was already past 2am and I wouldn't make it up there until probably close to 3am when everyone's probably done, I just decided that I should just head home.

So home it was. I waited close to another 20 minutes until the train finally came. And now I am snuggled back up on my bean bag and kind of in the mood to watch American Wedding, but should I care more about my health and just go to bed instead of staying up for another 2 hours until 5am to watch a movie?

Maybe I just deserve to do something today after this completely failed night and life.