Thursday, August 9, 2012

Fuck you

"...I'm tired of people telling me it's a 'just get over it' situation. Fuck you, you don't know what it's like in my head."
--The Newsroom, season 1, episode 6
This one line sums up how I've been feeling this whole time.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm being overdramatic, but if it wasn't actually that big of a deal to me, I would be okay. I wouldn't have flown off the handle and cut off all communication. It's so mean to ever say to someone, when he/she's looking for consolation from you in an issue that's tearing them apart, that it's not that big a deal. Because at that moment, it is. At that moment, by saying that, you've become the enemy. You say you understand so that's why it's not a big deal? That means you don't understand.

Today, I explained everything to Callie starting from the beginning of it all: Korea. I even went all the way back to freshman year, reliving all of those bad memories of the bad people. I was the most eloquent I had ever been and I wish I had it all written down. I can't remember the last time things were backward like that for me, where I'm more eloquent speaking than writing. I don't think things have ever been backward like that for me. But anyway, she did what a good friend was supposed to do: support you through thick and thin, regardless of whether it's right or wrong. She understood that it was a big deal to me, even if it wasn't to her.

There is a right and wrong way to do friendship. You can build it up perfectly, but if you don't take care of it properly, the ship will fall apart, and you can't put it back together when it's already far out at sea.

It means nothing if I just let the issue go so quickly. He wins. I don't want to be weak and just go back because it's convenient. I need to be stronger.

I've accomplished absolutely none of my goals this summer. Since this is the last thing I've set myself to do, I will see this through to the end.

It's been two days.

It's only been two days and I probably have suffered more than he has and he probably doesn't even give a damn about it.

I don't need a vacation because then I'll be alone with my thoughts which will tear me apart. I need someone else's thoughts to take the place of mine.

Sometimes I wish I could be an actress so that I could just live other people's lives.

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