Classes

A comprehensive list of all the courses I took throughout my college career (2009-2013):

• Microeconomics
• Cohort Leadership
• Conversations of the West: Antiquity & the Renaissance (literature)
• Calculus II
• Commerce & Culture (writing)
• Financial Accounting
• Statistics
• Business & Its Publics
• World Cultures: Russia since 1917 (history)
• Advanced Japanese I
• Information Technology
• Foundations of Financial Markets
• Managerial Accounting
• Entertainment & Media Industries
• Film Distribution & Finance
• Elementary Russian I
• 20th Century Theatremakers (drama)
• Organizational Communication
• Introduction to Marketing
• Beginner Korean III (Intermediate Korean I)
• Business Law
• Operations (business)
• Economics of Global Business
• Intermediate Chinese II
• Entertainment Accounting
• Consumer Behavior
• International Studies: Asia (Singapore) (business)
• TV Management
• TV Nation: Inside & Outside the Box
• Advanced Chinese I
• Marketing Research
• Legal Aspects of the Entertainment Business
• Professional Responsibility & Leadership (ethics)
• Producing for TV
• Intermediate Korean II
• Management & Organizational Analysis
• Private Voice Lessons
• Globalization & the Entertainment Industry
• Technology & its Impact on Entertainment

The ones in bold are the courses I really enjoyed attending and didn't consider a chore. I realized that they all fall under liberal arts pursuits: 6 language courses, 1 ethics, 1 writing, 1 history, and 1 literature. 

I wonder, would I have not looked upon my past 4 years with disdain if I had gone to a liberal arts school? But then again, I know myself. The reason I enjoyed these classes so fondly is most likely because contrasted against my dull business classes, these liberal arts classes really allowed me to exercise the more interesting side of my brain, the side of my brain I'm rarely allowed to access in the money-driven, practical, low-risk environment that my parents and business school have created for me. Even though I was taking other classes that interested me and were "practical" (i.e. my entertainment classes), they still felt like necessities because I had to be actively pursuing a career. 

Thus, having these "irrelevant" classes peppered into my schedule every semester allowed me to stay sane. But to be honest, I probably wouldn't enjoy myself all too much if I had to write all those essays and theses every semester that the liberal arts student is regularly bombarded with.

Plus, pepper tastes terrible by itself.

Classes I still want to take:

-James Joyce class, specifically on Ulysses, because I really could never get through that book and properly enjoy it myself if I didn't have a professional guide me through it, and it's just sitting on my shelf, still brand new. My ideal syllabus: chapter deadlines, regular discussions, but no essays

-Philosophy class. The reason I enjoyed my ethics class is because it's so interesting discussing different ideas of the world and everyone sharing their own viewpoints. I'm always interested in how others think because it really helps me understand, not anything in particular, just understand. My ideal syllabus: lectures; discussions; journal entries with no guidelines, just to write, in lieu of essays. I actually bought a philosophy book today because it was on sale at Barnes & Noble and the closest thing I could get to learning about it.

-Infinite Jest class. Does this exist anywhere? I've read maybe the first 80 pages or so on my own (with the help of the David Foster Wallace dictionary) and really appreciate Wallace's usage of words, but like Ulysses, I don't feel like I'm properly appreciating the novel as a whole. My copy is literally sitting right next to an untouched Ulysses. My ideal syllabus: see James Joyce class

-More language classes, of course. If I could only choose one thing on this list to take, it would most definitely be more language classes.

I got excited at the prospect of a free monthly unlimited MetroCard, but then I realized that these days, I don't ever go out enough to make full use of it. I guess just the thought of not having to pay out of pocket just to go to work is comforting.

I actually don't go out at all anymore. I'm not sure if this dreadful feeling that's overcome me is because of my impending time of the month or the maturation of my mind, but I enjoy staying in on a Friday or Saturday night nowadays. Maybe I've partied myself out during my college years.

It's so depressing to see me write those words, as if my college years are something of the distant past, as my high school years truly are now, but I just don't feel that going out to party is something I need to do or am missing out on, since I've done it before, plenty of times before. I almost feel inconvenienced when someone suggests we go out to a bar because all I keep thinking is, why can't we just stay inside and talk because that's all we'll be doing at the bar anyway + it's free.

Maybe this is my slipping into my unemployed niche in society. Being freshly post-grad, I'm having a harder time defining who I am, when I just left 16 years of a uniform identification system: I'm a 4th grader, 7th grader, high schooler, college senior. Everyone seems to want to know what you're doing in this world, why you exist, and at the moment, it seems as if I have no purpose because I have no answer to the question "What do you do?"

I read. I clean. I sleep. I watch TV. I eat. But because I'm not making any money, it almost feels like a crime to me to indulge on a weekend, since none of the money I'm spending is mine. Indulging is practically what I do everyday, since I have no responsibilities, so a weekend really doesn't feel like a week-end but just another day.

Therefore, I feel like I've settled into this ennui, since I'm coming to my fourth month of unemployment. So maybe I just can't tell whether I don't have the luxury to go out or just don't want to go out.

Rain or shine

Ever since moving to New York, I've realized that when it rains, the raindrops never hit the windows with the comforting pitter patter I constantly look forward to during these types of stormy weather days in Texas. I never know that it's raining anymore when I'm indoors, unless I squint and really focus my eyes on the falling drops.

One of the reasons I love rainy days is because being indoors in the middle of a storm is one of the most comforting feelings ever. The sound of the light thumps against my window pane assure me that I'm safe inside. It's almost like an analogy for yin and yang; you don't really understand good if you've never experienced evil.

But here in New York, there have been multiple times where I'm caught off guard by the rain. I'll take a quick glance outside to judge the weather, and the transparent raindrops camouflage into the backdrop of daylight, painting a fictitious image of clear skies, so I go outside, wearing flats, clutching a purse with everything but an umbrella, and step out into the pouring onslaught. It's the annoyed disposition that everyone who's lived in New York for over a year eventually and inevitably absorbs that prepossesses me to just commit and make it through the weather because there's no way I'm going back up 24 floors again just to get an umbrella, even though I won't stop complaining about not having an umbrella for the rest of the day, New York style.

But maybe the quietness with which it rains in New York is its own analogy. Terribleness is just a nonchalant part of life here and is no excuse to stop you from going on with your normal life just to enjoy yourself.

After four years in New York, is anyone enjoying themselves anymore?

+++++++

Sigh, I didn't get the job. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Back to more applying and cold-calling then.

Maybe I should do what the main character in Someday, Someday, Maybe did and give myself a deadline for my “dreams.” Not saying that that would make me work harder towards my goal because I feel like I’m doing all I can, but I don’t know how much longer I can make everyone around me worry for my unemployment, especially my parents, who just completely don’t support my decision at all.

Okay, it’s only been 2 whole months since I graduated. It’s still too early to worry. I have to stay positive.

Keep calm and whatever the fuck.

interview follow up

On Friday, I had an interview with a legit production, but I don't want to say what it is in case I jinx it. The interview went super super well, especially because we spent a good amount of it talking about the non-work-related stuff on my resume, i.e. my study abroad experiences. It really lightened the mood and allowed me to show my true true self, which I find a) hard to display when I'm stuck discussing the stuffy details of my work ethic + b) a much more exciting person to be around than my reserved interview persona.

But standard interview procedure calls for a follow-up email within 24 hours of the interview, and I got my interviewer's business card and clearly saw it in my purse when I put it there but lost it in the end, meaning I have no way of contacting my interviewer now. Sigh life. I really really really cross-my-fingers hope that this doesn't screw my chances, because technically I forget to follow up like all the fucking time and I do want to say that I totally didn't follow up on the interviews for the last two jobs I got. So here's to hoping?

Vincent Kartheiser and Alexis Bledel are such a beautiful couple.

not

If David and I weren’t dating, we wouldn’t be friends. Our personalities don’t mesh as friends. We have different interests, we enjoy different activities, we have different perspectives on things. But in spite of all this, we mesh so well as partners.

One day in Korean class, 선생님 asked us what was most important to us in finding a partner. Everyone gave the typical slew of “personality,” “education,” “looks” answers. As we added those words to our limited vocabularies, she wrote a new word on the board: 가치관. She loosely translated it to “values” and went on to elaborate that there is another level to relationships that really makes them stick. You could like the same bands and the same bars and complete each other’s sentences, but if your values are misaligned, you wouldn’t work out. You couldn’t work out. You have to want the same things, believe in the same things, be going down the same path.

David caught me at the right place and right time. If we had met anytime earlier than we did, I wouldn’t have given myself to him. Even though I had constantly wished for a boyfriend, I was never ready for one. There was always still more I wanted to do for myself, and just myself. I wasn’t ready to stop being selfish yet. And he wasn’t ready for me either. Any time earlier, I would’ve caught him taken, in a once-a-monthly sexual, mediocre relationship, and then lost, trying to get over the loss of the other half he had attached himself to for a year. I’m a very impulsive person, and I rely too much on my instincts to be swayed otherwise. If I had met David any time earlier, during any of these times, my immediate instincts would not open my heart to him at all. I would’ve found him physically attractive but nothing more.

But we didn’t meet earlier. We met at the perfect time. I had finished fooling around with the world, with random boys, with random interests and was finally ready to settle down, with graduation and the real world looming. And he had gotten over his ex and was ready to open his heart again because he lives to care, to love.

I’m scared though. I’m scared that even though our values are the same, they might not be in the same place. Whenever we get to talking about the future, all signs point to him staying in the Midwest where he grew up and leading a normal, stable life, but even before that, going to dental school nowhere near New York City. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to find a job in television, in New York City, where it is the complete opposite of normal and stable. This is what I want now, even though in the future, I do want the normal, stable, suburban family life outside of New York. But I don’t know where and how all of my wants right now factor into my future. David’s current path is definitively going toward the future he wants. My destination, on the other hand, is the same as his, but I’m going the opposite direction. I just want to be able to satisfy my whims until I’m ready to turn back around on my own. I’m scared though that he’ll just go on ahead of me, without me.

I love him. I love him so much. It never occurs to me that we have nothing in common because we just love each other. Isn’t that the only thing we need to have in common? But that’s why I’m scared, because our values are there, we both want the same things, but I’m the one who might eventually fuck this up because maybe I’m not quite there yet on the whole figuring-myself-out thing.

I told David that if we broke up, I don’t think we would stay friends because we would have nothing to talk about. There were no external experiences we would share, so we would never even cross paths. We would never be in each other’s lives again.

To this, he replied, “Then let’s just never break up.”