Thursday, May 31, 2012


I've had this song stuck in my head all day.

I've been pretty AWOL on here, but for good reason: I've actually been out and about these past few days! Now that I think about it, I haven't really met new people though, but I guess if I keep at it, someone will come up. I'm thinking about working in Wix Lounge tomorrow, for a studious atmosphere and a possible chance to network with fellow creatives.

My dad's been calling me pretty regularly to keep track of my job hunt progress. It's really great of him to care so much, but earlier, he called telling me that I should probably change my career path.

I haven't even begun my senior year of college yet, and he's already saying that I will fail? Maybe he's being realistic, but isn't it still way too early to tell? I angrily seethed when I hung up on him and dwelled on this fact. Everyone in school have been super supportive of me, in spite of all the rejection and lack of callbacks, but were they really just babying me because they don't have the nerve to say what they really think of my goals?

I guess friends are around to tell you that you can, while parents are around to tell you that you can't.

In that case, whose advice do you take?

I feel like that's the fire that fueled me tonight. I hunted in new terrains and just jet-packed full-heartedly applied for six jobs back to back, each with a personalized resume and cover letter. I know that I put the most insane amount of work into my job applications because everyone else I know practically sends the same resume and cover letter to every application.

If I don't have the connections, I better damn have the spirit for the job.

In the end, I want to prove everyone wrong. If no one actually believes in me, then I want to work so much harder to show that I have so much more to offer. I was about to give up on spec writing, but goddamn it, tomorrow I'm diving right back into that half-written cold open and writing it.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Stephen Caribbean

Yesterday, Urban Outfitters was hosting this event where you could decorate your own Munny in participating stores or go to the huge 5th Ave store and get yours personally designed by a kidrobot artist.

Patrick and I went to the 14th St one to do-it-ourselves decorate because it was close by. God dang, it was pouring like fuuuuuck by the way. Seriously, New York, it didn't rain at all in April and now May is dropping deuces like it had Taco Bell for every meal. Because we would've been soaked it we went outside again, we decided that taking our time decorating our Munnys inside Urban wouldn't be too bad.

We were given free markers, glitter, and glue. I hadn't done anything arts-and-craftsy with my hands for a long time, and I've got to say, those were the most relaxing 2 hours I had in a while. Across the table from us were a group of elementary aged kids decorating as well while chatting. Listening to their conversations while coloring just reminded me of the innocent old days of being young. It was really nice to not have anything to worry about, except for which color to color the Munny's arms with.

Above is my finished result. It's a standing hippo dude wearing a hat with glitter flowers. I named him Stephen Caribbean. Just being in an environment that enveloped me in youthfulness started bringing back memories of my younger self, and how when I used to draw pictures for fun, I would draw peace signs and yin-yang signs on everything. So you can't see it in the picture, but Stephen has a purple peace sign drawn on the back of his head.

"Does this mean I was a hippie?" I inquired to Patrick.


Wow, that was the most realistic ending I've ever seen in a drama.

Spoiler alert for Watashi ga Renai Dekinai Riyuu:
This whole time, you assume the girls are going to end up with their guys, despite all the troubles, because this is a drama, so the girl always ends up with the guy.

Yet that's exactly what didn't happen.
-Saki was in love with a married man. That's the shittiest situation to be in because it's kind of terrible to force him into a situation where he would have to cheat on or leave his wife. She thought about it and decided in the end that it was best that he stayed with his wife, since the wife really wanted to make it work, so she broke it off. She was probably the character with the worst luck with guys, but even though she didn't have anyone at the end, she finally got a job that she wanted and things aren't so bad after all.

-Mako started to realize that she liked the chef, but she doesn't jump into it suddenly. It ends with her finally accepting the fact and continuing to live on to see what happens. You don't know if the chef likes her back or not because guys don't always like you back anyway, but there's hope in this new possibility for her.

-And finally, Emi had to decide whether or not to go off to America with Yuu, her best friend whom she's been in love with this whole time. Normally, any show or movie would have the girl/guy run after her/his love because ~*love conquers all*~, but Emi in the end decides to stay in Japan because she doesn't want to get rid of her life just for love when she still doesn't know exactly what she wants to do in life. Granted, she said that she wanted to be close to her loved ones, but I felt that that was kind of a bold move on a TV drama's part because they always have the heroine make the sweeping life-changing decision, no matter how risky and unrealistic it seems in real life. It was kind of great that they made Emi choose to stay even though she loved Yuu because not anyone can just drop everything and follow their love wherever they go if they haven't figured out their life yet. And that's not really the sensible thing to do either.

I love how in the end, the drama smartly revolved around a great theme: Love really isn't all that simple and can't really take over your life because there's so much more to life than love. However, it can be a really wonderful piece of life, so you shouldn't cut it out of your life altogether either.

It was adorable how the last bit of the finale was shot live. I really love that the Japanese drama genre is starting to embrace some live shooting because I think live television is one of the most magical things ever.
/end drama talk.

Then I feel like I'm so adamant on pursuing love right now because I don't even have the other parts of my life, so I'm trying so hard to get this piece in play.

My four quadrants of life:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Work
4. Love

I'm 1 out of 4, the one which is family, which you're born with, so it's an automatic fill. I'm not having the best rate, guys.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

much better than I thought

I'm gradually getting my life back together.

-I just had my first dentist appointment in a year today and have picked up flossing again. Bad habits are hard to break, and good ones are just as hard to pick up. Let's hope this one lasts.

-Because of the appointment, I had to wake up before my usual 2pm, so today's the first day that I've had three full meals since... months ago. It feels pretty great to eat food at regular intervals, although I did sneak a munching of Pop Chips just now at midnight.

-I have a hair appointment tomorrow AND an interview (fingers-crossed for that). It's a Skype interview, so boo having to wear real clothes, but yay for no pants! After all that, I have a bunch of errands I have to run.

-For the big day I have ahead of me tomorrow, I compiled the need-to-do's into a to-do list. I haven't written to-do lists to help me get my life straight for years now, so organizing my life again was so refreshing via el to-do list japones above. Side note, when did my handwriting become so neat all of a sudden?

-The other day I cleaned the whole apartment, and I had never felt so satisfied in my life. I've still managed to keep the apartment clean since then, putting things back where I got them, washing dishes immediately after I use them.

-I've successfully worked out for an hour every day since a week and a half ago. My thighs have never felt so tight.

-Almost caught up with my shows! 2 more episodes of Mad Men and 2 more episodes of Veep. Then perhaps I shall get started with Homeland?

-I splurged yesterday and went out of my way to buy Popeyes for lunch/dinner/the meal of the day. To my luck, the Popeyes I went to in Chinatown was having a deal where you show your Popeyes receipt to the new bubble tea store next door for a free milk tea. Juicy fried chicken + milk tea = won at life last night.

I'm kind of doing a terrific job trucking along on my own these days.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Flamingo Dream

Sometimes she wants to tell people that she’s a psychic because that’s what it feels like. The colors they choose generally reflect their personalities, their moods. Red is a classic bold color, so just from a glance at their wardrobe can she tell whether they are classy or just trying to seem that way. She’s a big fan of the neons because they always have the most fascinating conversations. Black scares her, but luckily, they aren’t the types who would come to a shop anyway.

Today, it is a royal blue. The cool, calm, and collected hue. The woman sets her fingers on the table and immediately begins speaking. She has a gig tonight. At the jazz bar in the hotel downtown. Her manager got it for her. This is her first big gig. She thinks she was able to get it because her album sales are phenomenal, even in this digital economy. The local post calls her voice “a puree of Corinne Bailey Rae and Regina Spektor.” It feels so great to be appreciated.

As she paints, she gets lost in the azure. The faint pink is the color of shrimp, but with a graceful stroke, it is devoured by the sea of dark blue. No trace to be seen. One coat is the color of a tweeting blue jay, but with another, it becomes the color of the beautiful night sky. The night sky under which she used to look upon the passersby, stamping the sand off their feet. They laugh, they hold hands, but is this because they hear her, or because they don’t? The clasps glisten at the moon. Her melody mingles with the sounds of the crashing waves. One of them stops and looks. She looks but doesn’t stop. A dollar bill plops onto the plush, creating a shelter from the salty air for the old quarters. It feels so great to be appreciated.

The woman doesn’t need conversation. She just needs approval, so occasional nods and smiles are enough. But maybe she doesn’t even have to be there. Maybe she can just sit there and the woman will still be talking. Maybe she can just get up and leave and everything will still be the same. And then maybe she can return to the sea and be a part of the music.

Suddenly, instead of the sounds of the ebbs and the tides, she hears the roars of the others. No money. No living. No job. She’s always wanted to prove them wrong, but everyone stopped supporting her when she couldn’t support herself any longer.

Eight o’clock. She cleans her station and picks up her purse. The door rings as she steps out, as if signaling a cheery good bye. Happy you’re gone. Happy to be gone. The tides are calling her, and she lets them take her closer and closer, until she reaches a new sign. An unfamiliar sign.

Walking in is like being smothered by a huge wave of chatter and laughter. This place of uncouth noise and people couldn’t possibly have been what was calling her away. They laugh, they hold hands. She finds an area away from them and takes a seat. One vodka cocktail please.

The man sets a napkin down and gently places the drink on top. He adds a plastic garnish, a flamingo, on a stick. How kitschy. But she peers at the pink gaudy piece of plastic, and the creature it has taken the form of. A flamingo isn’t always pink. It just eats so much shrimp that it turns pink. But it can’t become white again. Doesn’t it miss being white? Do you think it dreams of what it’d be like to be white again?

He picks up the stick and frowns at it. He looks at both sides and plops it right back into the glass. Even if it does, it’s so beautiful when pink. If it was white, it wouldn’t look like a flamingo anymore. Maybe it’s just meant to be pink.

She sips the drink, looking outside at the sea. When she finishes, she leaves a tip and takes the flamingo.

Supine, she reflects on the days on the shore. How she waited all day for crowds to enjoy her music. How she worried when each day only ended in nine dollars. How she painted her nails to keep her from biting. How her pick kept her cuticles intact. How her little form of luxury caught his eye. How he stopped and looked and dropped the dollar and asked her to come along.

Ten o’clock. The sunlight dances on the chimes as they ring, gracing her entrance. Good morning, he greets her, with the same warmth of that summer night he brought her here, sheltered her, and helped her back to her feet, and back to her hands.

Today, it is a neon yellow. The bright, cheery, and powerful hue. She can’t help but smile at the fantastical tales. She laughs and asks for more, sitting in her stylish orange swivel, against a wall of rainbow. The glint from the door chimes reflects the glass full of nail files on her table, and protruding out of it in her line of sight is a flamingo, strutting eternally in a bright pink and grateful for where it is and what it has become.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

such a fucking existentialist

"We're all slaves to this place that doesn't really want us."
--Girls, episode 6
Today, I trucked ahead and continued to apply for jobs.

I need a haircut because my hair is just the messiest it's ever been.
I need a dentist's appointment because I haven't gotten my teeth cleaned in a year.
I need a strapless bra because it's a staple in a girl's wardrobe.

I realized that maybe TV writing isn't for me.
It's such a big decision for me to come to, since this was what I was going to dedicate this summer to.
It's just so hard for me to stick to and manipulate someone else's voice because my own voice always, always seeps through and takes over, even in formal reports, even in business papers. Why do I always feel the need to snark out everything?

Maybe the bigger problem is that I don't have a grasp on the basics of storytelling yet. Every time I write anything, there's no inciting event, there's no resolution because there's no conflict, there's no bigger problem. When I write, nothing happens, like in Mad Men.

Things just occur, but nothing happens.

Maybe it's because my life is currently going through this kind of stagnancy, and I can only relate what I know.

Monday, May 21, 2012


It's close to 3am and I'm kind of buzzed.

I've microwaved a bowl of Easy Mac, washed up a bowl of strawberries, got my jar full of water, and 30 Minutes or Less on HD on my TV. This is the life, in spite of the fact that my hardcore night fell through.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

the "what-the-fuck"

Let's call it the "what-the-fuck."
I had showered and changed into my PJs and snuggled up on my beanbag watching Freaks and Geeks when I suddenly decided that I should just go out. It was only 12:30am.

So I just got up and changed back into nice clothes and put my contacts back in and was ready to go out. I didn't care if I didn't have anyone else because I don't ever have anyone else anymore. I hadn't gone out in NYC at all even though I've been 21 for a while, so it was about damn time that I got off my lazy ass and aimed to have the fun that I had every fucking night in Seoul.

I headed over to Lower East Side to a bar that Childish Gambino was spinning at for the night, but by the time I got there, there was a line. I waited 20 minutes and never got in because they just closed.

So I decided to go up to K-town and hit this new lounge that opened a month ago. I waited for the subway for about 10 minutes, but when I realized that it was already past 2am and I wouldn't make it up there until probably close to 3am when everyone's probably done, I just decided that I should just head home.

So home it was. I waited close to another 20 minutes until the train finally came. And now I am snuggled back up on my bean bag and kind of in the mood to watch American Wedding, but should I care more about my health and just go to bed instead of staying up for another 2 hours until 5am to watch a movie?

Maybe I just deserve to do something today after this completely failed night and life.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

unwanted cannolis

Do you have to stick to what you don't believe in in order to get to what you do believe in?

There are gorges of jobs in NYC, but I can't believe I already have to deal with the dam of the job-hunt difficulty. I can't seem to get any job that I want. I apply and apply and no one seems to want me. But when I try to figure out what would make me a unique, must-have candidate, I'm out of ideas.

If I can't get a job aka a motherfucking UNPAID internship, then do I just apply for internships for things I don't give a damn about, just to have a job? I hate hate HATE how this world is dictated by networking because it's not that I don't know how to meet people, it's that I don't know WHERE to meet people. Everyone just thinks you're fucking creepy if you talk to them out of nowhere. Fuck you, stranger danger.

The only jobs I seem to have connections to are things that I don't care to do, that I don't really even want to do. If I don't have the discipline to do well in school because I hate it, then there is no way I'll be able to put in good effort in an UNPAID job that I don't give a shit about. But do I just deal with it because I have no other choice? How do I get from here to where I want to be? Why can't these vectors exist?

I was thinking about just applying for some fun-seeming internships, since I wasn't having luck in the television department, but I'm in the summer before graduation. This isn't the time for me to fuck around anymore. I have to get a job close to what I want to do or else I won't have a job there when I graduate.

Goal: Meet new people this summer.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Basic Space

I'm sitting in a Barnes & Noble reading Infinite Jest while the xx's album in its entirety is being played over the speakers. This is the most peaceful I've been this summer. I could stay like this the rest of the day if it weren't for the fact that B&N closes unlike the rest of New York and that I kind of want to make it back home in time for the Power Players Jeopardy, despite the fact that the answers are a lot more difficult than I'm used to.

I've reverted to my old self, going to bed in the wee hours of the night and not waking up until late afternoon. I've been eating one real meal a day. All I want to do every hour is read and watch TV and study Japanese and write, but the plethora of activities that are finally at my disposal is consumed by the comparatively much less time I have in each day.

I guess this is a lesson in time management.

Why is it weird to us if gay guys have straight guy friends?

the horror

When I watch Girls, I roll my eyes at Hannah in my head whenever she's with Adam because he's obviously just using her, but she just keeps going back, and why doesn't she just stop. Then I realize that I do the same exact thing.

I think we all just take whatever we can get in terms of love. When I say love, I don't mean like a ~*boyfriend*~, but just anyone, who loves us. We all secretly kind of want someone to want us in some way, to choose us, so when we don't have the best options, we just stick with what we can get, in spite of the idiocy of the situation.

I just never feel like I have choices because I just always carry this sense of insecurity about me. I keep feeling that I'm not pretty enough for people to want to be around me, to befriend me, but at the same time, I like who I am and don't see anything wrong with me.

I've also somehow created this image that I hate intimacy, and I'm actually seen as the girl who isn't going to sleep over, who isn't going to cuddle, who's just going to let it in and let it out (Sorry for the crudeness). Maybe that's why guys sleep with me. I somehow exude intimacy-loathing, so they can expect no aftermath. It's not that I hate intimacy though; it's that I'm uncomfortable with it. I don't know how to deal with it because I've just never liked anyone enough to be comfortable with being so close with someone, to want to be so close with someone.

Maybe I do want someone with whom to cuddle some day, but I don't know whom, and I don't know know when.

The other day, Patrick and I were wandering around Times Square. This lady was pushing a stroller toward us, and suddenly, a freaky bloody skeleton thing popped out of it right in front of us. We both screamed for our lives, instinctively grabbed each other for safety, and hastily walked away. We walked like that for a bit, arm-in-arm, when I suddenly became aware of it and forcefully pulled out of the clutch-hold. Even though I love Patrick, I couldn't even walk arm-in-arm with him. It was freaking me out.

I think once I have choices, I'll stop all of this meaningless sleeping-around. I realize both Patrick and I just feel so lonely, despite the fact that we have each other. I don't say this in a depressing, self-pitying manner, but we've grown so close because we're the only two who understands how the other feels. We've gotten to the point where we don't even care about what kind of people we involve ourselves with, regardless of the circumstances, just as long as it's someone who wants to be with us.

Why is it so hard to make friends in this city? Because that's all we really want.

Maybe I should go to a party by myself and scare myself into meeting people. People don't seem to meet anyone anymore.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

the simplest things

Since I hadn't gone outside all day, I decided to grab some Popeyes for dinner as an excuse to go outside and because I had to satiate my craving for juicy fried chicken. I walked the far, far trail to the Popeyes near the 4,5 stop to find that it was closed for renovation.

Sad that I couldn't fulfill my fried chicken needs, I settled for Burger King because I am the health god.

After I bought my food, I headed back to my apartment in my T-shirt, mismatched skirt, and out-of-place flip-flops, and it began to rain. Now I had to rush home instead of enjoy fresh air.

When I got home, I completely forgot about the rain, despite the fact that I love rain.

I've been losing sight of the things I love.
-board games
-exploring new spaces
-music on repeat
-Japanese dramas

Monday, May 14, 2012

green baby that clean

Now that I actually have all the time in the world to start writing, I just don't. I tried to make it a habit to write every day, which I've actually accomplished so far, either here or elsewhere. However, what I really need to get done is my two spec scripts. But for some reason, now it's kind of registered in my head as 'work,' so it's getting harder for me to actually do the 'work.' 

So instead I spent like 5 hours organizing my music. Adding album artwork is so much fun and makes everything so much prettier. Best at doing nothing.

Today I went shopping and bought over $200 worth of clothes. I cry so hard and am not allowed to shop for like half a year now.

I've actually been working out now. :] I bought running shoes for the first time in my life and omg, they're fucking comfortable as FUUUUCK. I feel like I'm running on clouds. My first pair of Nikes, I see what all the hype is about finally.

Also, I have no fucking idea what to cook because I just don't like homemade food. For some reason it just tastes gross to me. I'll buy meat but then leave it in the freezer to the point where it's probably inedible. I swear I still have a pound of ground beef frozen in my freezer since February. 

Today I wandered around the grocery store for an hour and then ended up coming home with a box of Easy Mac, Hot Pockets, and a mango. A mango. Singular. For dinner, I scrambled eggs and ate them with week-old rice. 

I just juggle through the same 3 dishes: duck egg congee (it's a LOT easier to make than it sounds like), eggs with rice, and spaghetti and cheese. I legit ate spaghetti and cheese every day for a whole month in March.

The disorganization of this whole entry reflects the complete disorder my brain is currently going through as I haven't established a proper summer schedule under which to navigate each day. I've been stuck in such a strict routine for five months now that I'm unable to function without that order anymore. aggghhhhfkgjkfhhhh

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A pseudo-epistle


This time, the address is toward the males, not the general audience, as I always like to refer to yall.

You guys are just destroying my faith in humanity with every day. In the past year, there have already been way too many instances where I have experienced your kind cheating on your significant others, with no seeming guilt.

How am I supposed to feel okay about dating for the first time when guys don't even seem to be trusted? Patrick says that maybe it's just the guys that I happen to meet, but what kind of "coincidence" is that? That every guy I have some sort of relations with IS FUCKING CHEATING ON SOMEONE. Patrick then proceeded to tell me that he read in GQ that it's actually okay to cheat.


I really prefer that the rules of dating don't drastically change when I go out there because I'll have no fucking idea how to navigate the system and just end up being a dried up old person in this new world. I haven't even gotten to navigate it as a new person yet! What the fuck am I supposed to do?

But maybe half of the fault does lie on us. For letting them cheat.

Maybe I am the despicable one after all.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

This summer

omgomgomg I super super miss watching Japanese dramas.

I'm watching 「私が恋愛できない理由」right now. At first, it was for Japanese practice because I hadn't touched Japanese in TWO YEARS, and I really want to interview for an internship at this Japanese TV production company in Brooklyn, so gotta brush up on some nihongo yo.

It's really hard reverting from one language to another though. I was taking Chinese this semester, so that's pretty fresh in my mind. I bumped into Sueun the other day and he started speaking Japanese to me. I understood perfectly, but only Korean came out in response, since I had just taken Korean last semester (+ was living in Korea).

"You've forgotten Japanese, haven't you?" I nodded in reply. It was so sad, but so true.

Now that I'm trying to get used to using Japanese again, my brain is just so so confused. I speak to my parents in Chinese, I occasionally text Patrick in Korean, and now I'm trying to fucking pin my Japanese back down.

The goal: to catch 'em all. I wanna be a language master.

Ahhhhhh, when am I gonna start working out again btw?? What happened to working out every day starting Tuesday? It's..... already Saturday.

This summer:
-Write spec scripts.
-Write something everyday.
-Practice all the languages?
-Work out everyday.
-Learn Photoshop.
-And still find time to read and catch up on TV.

Anyway, the drama. It's not exactly the best (What happened to the Long Vacation's and BOSS's?), but it's cute enough to keep me going. I miss squealing over romances, and I just love that this drama is about 3 girls trying to find love. I'm such a sucker for stories like this because they just make me so happy and so hopeful.

This summer, cont'd:
-Meet someone?

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

jewels of truth

The more self-aware I become, the more I realize how fucking gross I am.

Guys, this is the second day in a row that I haven't showered.

I know that men can go days without showering (please, never tell me), but I already feel gross. Sadly, I'm probably not going to shower until tomorrow because I have to finish this paper AND THEN OFFICIALLY BECOME A SENIOR.

Today I knew I had to knock out this whole paper, especially since I hadn't started and it's due tomorrow, but god, I've been so unmotivated and distracted so damn easily. I actually was going to go to Bobst to write this because I knew I would be infinitely more productive there, but the reason I didn't. was. because. I neither wanted to change out of my pajamas nor shower. I am so fucking lazy.

I am currently considering sleeping in a shower cap tonight so that my gross hair won't touch my pillows (whose pillowcases I haven't washed in months btw).

I'm really trying to become a better person because my current goal is to get a boyfriend---STOP. I UNDERSTAND HOW SHALLOW THIS SOUNDS, BUT THIS IS A BIG DEAL, GUYS. I'M ACTUALLY SETTLING DOWN.---but before I can even accomplish that, I need to pick myself up and get rid of this mess of a person I've become. I've seriously let myself go these past couple of years when I took myself off the dating market (of which I was never considered a part, most likely).

What happened to the kick-ass, stage-managing, going-to-rule-the-world dominatrix I used to be in high school? How did college completely rip me a new skeleton aka no skeleton? It's safe to say that I am a complete nobody and failure right now. This isn't a depression or pity-asking statement; it's a true statement. The trajectory of what I could become has been going downhill ever since I left high school. I took a career quiz the other day and it told me I would be good at being a janitor.

Patrick is constantly berating me about not having common sense, how I have absolutely no analytical skills, and he's most likely correct. However, the things I think are common sense are levels way below common sense according to him. The things that he thinks are common sense are like higher-level thinking to me. Does that just make me retarded? Or only fit to contribute to society through mopping the vomit-covered hallways of elementary schools?

What the fuck happened to me?

I shall dwell on this question while eating Easy Mac and watching Will & Grace. Instead of finishing this paper.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

almost fucking done

Studying all these aspects of consumer behavior really makes me realize that I act like an average consumer after all: the delusional rationalizing of post-purchase dissonance, being attracted by cheap humor, wanting to try out Tide Pods just because they specifically declared they were going for the Apple appeal.

Marketers constantly try to appeal to our desire for individuality, but in the end, aren't we all essentially the same, since we're all trying to be unique?

I'll go back to studying now.


Today, instead of going to the Prague people picnic, I lied in bed playing Scramble and Angry Birds for 2 hours.

Instead of making lunch, I decided to buy lunch. But instead of going out to buy lunch, I ordered pasta from Domino's.

I studied some Chinese, and then it was time to go to my Chinese class dinner. Everyone was really nice, albeit the dinner was damn awkward the whole time, our not knowing how to act in front of our teacher in this casual setting. I kept failing at eating, no matter how hard I tried to be dainty. Arms was super nice to me :] I felt like a total "pimpette," as Patrick denotes it, the whole time because I had all the guys in my class at my fingertips to hang out, but alas, nothing came to fruition.

So instead of going out after this dinner, I lolled around Gramercy for 2 hours trying to find someone who would stop studying to go out with me, before finally deciding to go home at 10pm to study Chinese.

The only consistent thing I did right today was study Chinese. Obviously, this language is my calling.

Blarrrhhh, as can be seen by all the instead's, I did absolutely nothing I planned on doing or wanted to do today. GUYS, it was CINCO DE MAYO. These are the times I wish I went to some sort of party school.

There's a reason why Yonsei was a fucking memorable semester of my life.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

just writing to write

I feel like maybe I smother certain people so much because I have too much consideration to give. I'm too much of a people person that I need to have several people with whom to socialize or else I go crazy. Not that I always have to have hoards of people around me, but I can't only have one friend, but I also can't only have friends who are each individually in their own separate groups, to the point where I can't hang out with all of them together because people are too fucking scared to hang out with new people for some weird reason.

Patrick's definitely being smothered by my persistent contact. I can't help it because he's become the only person with whom I really enjoy spending time, even though I feel like I'm too much for him most of the time. I seriously can't only have one friend in New York fucking City because that completely limits my outings, especially since Patrick and I have different interests.

Tomorrow night I'm having dinner with my Chinese class and I'm hoping maybe afterward we can go off and hang out some more outside of class, maybe KTV, maybe celebrate Cinco de Mayo or something. But am I being racist for thinking these diligent Chinese students seem too studious to want to party all night with me? I'm hoping at least Jonny will go out with me so that I can actually give Will the good Manhattan time he's been constantly (and incorrectly) depending on me for.

Also, maybe I can get to know Hu Li Yang aka ARMS a little better because Patrick and I are trying so hard to find me someone to date. Yup, you heard that right; I've finally settled down. But it just almost seems harder to find suitable partners when I'm actually looking.

BLARRHHHHHHH OK. Tomorrow, I'm going to have a picnic at Prospect Park with Prague people, then go home to study for my Chinese exam a little more, then head out to have dinner with my Chinese class. Lastly, after all that, there better be some amazingly fun shit going down into the night.

Friday, May 4, 2012

O yes.

Today was my last day of work, and probably my least busiest day at that. I guess work wasn't so bad, but I'm really looking forward to having real free time this coming week. I had to deliver dresses today, and the fact that they were so fucking heavy, causing me to sweat and run out of breath (my muscles were. so. sore.), was evidence enough that it's really time I start regularly hitting the gym.

List of things I need to buy:

How the fuck do girls wear heels all day? I try to practice wearing them at work, but at the end of the day, my feet are pained with blisters everywhere. I just can't get used to them. The balance thing is a lot of trouble too.

But now I'm officially unemployed. I'd love to remain in this peaceful, restful state because I just haven't quite had 'me' time for a really long time, but sadly, the real world continues to loom ever closer and I have to learn self-discipline and just work for a living.

I know I'm still young and immature because I still hold onto the mindset of not wanting to conform to what others have latched onto. My whole life I've never wanted to do what everyone else was doing, but if I had to, I'd make sure I was doing it completely differently. Combined with my stubborn nature, this usually resulted in my not ever doing what someone told me to do. Almost the worst thing someone can say to me is "You should do ____" because almost immediately will I reject it no questions asked.

It's become a conflict though because people have started telling me to do things I'd actually enjoy doing, but just the way I've lived my whole life puppeteers me to reject them. It's just become so instinctive it's frightening how much I'm holding myself back.

I need to start saying yes.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

almost there

omg I'm almost done guys.

I've had such an incredibly busy semester. Class from 8:00am all the way until late in the evening, work on the days I don't have class. Weekends are just for myself to curb all responsibilities and do whatever I want.

I've been terrible at keeping my resolutions as a result. I haven't even been caught up with TV for god's sake. WHAT IS LIFE.

This summer, I'll be writing a lot more regularly. Because I won't be having too many overarching duties, I don't have an excuse not to write everyday, eh?

I just finished my Chinese final oral exam, which I feel really good about~ I have a business paper (gag) due Wednesday and my (only) 2 final exams on Monday! Then I'm completely free! This is the first semester I've been so lucky to finish so early, but omg, I'm going to be officially a COLLEGE SENIOR by next Wednesday. That is so crazy.

Mom won't let me buy a ticket home until I have a job this summer. :( Fingers crossed for my second round interview next week!


  • Write everyday!!
  • Read at least 3 books. It seriously should not be that difficult, but Bobst fucking blows as a library and never has any books.
  • Catch up on TV! Top of the list: Revenge, Homeland, Freaks and Geeks.
  • Experience more of NYC. I seriously haven't gone out nearly as much as I did when I first got here. I'm missing a lot of moments. I haven't even seen Death of a Salesman with Andrew Garfield yet!! Closing June 2 AAHHH. I think I'll go TKTS them next week.
  • Work out at least 30 minutes a day. My belly is eating me up, and soon I shall be all belly.