Saturday, October 13, 2012

Some day.

I always talk about how much I hate my life, but then I realize how lucky I've been and how much worse I could have had it.

One of the things I'm most thankful for is this almost-car-accident death I would've gotten into 4 years ago, but instead, the traffic lights turned red and I was the only car to make a U-turn at the time and was lucky enough not to hit the brick wall that was right in front of me. For real, guys, I accidentally stepped on the accelerator instead of the brake when I was making a U-turn, and there was a brick wall there, and I barely swerved in time. A normal person would've died in that situation.

Today, I was walking in 2-inch heels, and it's a given that I can't walk in heels, so when I was walking down the steps of Pace University, I slipped. A normal person would've fallen and broken her leg, but I caught myself and barely sprained my ankle. I've never broken a bone in my life, in spite of my incredible clumsiness.

Then, just now, I got home from a late night of clubbing and couldn't find my phone anywhere. I couldn't remember where the hell I put it and realized I must have left it in the taxi. A normal person would've forever lost the phone in the taxi and would've never gotten it back. But for some reason, Lillian noticed my phone in the dark seat next to her when I left and took it with her. What are the chances?

I always feel so sorry for myself for my sad, sad life, but then I realize that I actually don't have it all that bad. Especially since there have been so many instances when I should've just died, but I didn't. Obviously, I'm still here because I should be. It's not my time yet. Fuck you for thinking it's stupid that I believe in fate.

Tonight, Lillian, in the 4-year-long relationship, cried her heart out because she still didn't feel wanted.

The thing is, I understood everything she was going through, even though she probably didn't believe a word I said.

Look at me. I look like a man with long hair. That's all I see ever. I hate everyone's pity and lies telling me "omg no that's not true." I know I'm not pretty. I've lived with that for 21 years and learned to accept it and just hope someone, some day, will like me for who I am.

Whenever I tell other girls that guys never like me, they always say that they do. The thing is, they like me as a friend because I get along with them, but they never like me as a girl. I know this just sounds like an excuse, but there's no reason they would still hang out with me and no reason they would say things like "Dude, you're way too crazy for guys to like you" if they didn't like me as a friend. A guy who liked you probably wouldn't say that. A guy who was your friend probably would.

Not that I've wanted every guy I've befriended to like me. I just wish those few that I had serendipitously come to "like" liked me back. I wish some guy had sometime "liked" me at all.

I don't know what it feels like to be wanted.

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