But during all of yesterday, the whole time I kept using the events of the day to prove that I could survive without him. That I didn't need him to have fun and enjoy myself.
But when I'm letting him define my needs, what is that saying about me, about him?
He may not have been my better half, but sometimes I feel like he was my other half.
This past week, I've spent much longer hours lying in bed in the morning aka afternoon looking for excuses to stay on my phone, so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. I tell myself it's because my bed is so so comfortable, but I think it's really because I don't have anything to get out of bed for.
I keep justifying to myself that what I'm doing is right, is best for me, but if it's actually the right thing to do, why would I constantly need all this justification?
By completely ignoring him, I was proving to him that I could live without him, but I think most importantly, I was proving it to myself.
I completely failed on my part though because I basically spent the past week reading and watching and writing and talking about break-ups.
I admit, I do kind of miss him, but going back would just be asking for more abuse. I gave him this hiatus because slightly and secretly, I was hoping he would try to win me back, because then I could actually see that this friendship was for real, but instead, he spent the week talking shit about me behind my back to my most loyal trustee, so of course I know it happened.
The last time I cut myself off from someone was in Korea with Cameron and them because I was just ashamed of myself and didn't want to face them. Instead of saying I was crazy and leaving me be though, they wouldn't relent and kept trying to woo me out of my seclusion. They kept asking Patrick if I was okay and if he could talk me into going back to them. They even bought me Taco Bell, the ultimate symbol of our friendship, and left it outside my door for me to find.
Now when I have that show of real, true friendship to compare with this instance of seeming betrayal, I don't know what to do with myself. If I do choose to go back, in the back of my mind, I will always know that this isn't for real, that it's just out of pity or convenience. We can't ever repatch this friendship again and it really is all my fault.
One of the games I was playing on my iPod yesterday has all these levels of puzzles you have to solve. One of them is a sliding puzzle, where you slide the tiles and try to get the wires to match up. They get increasingly difficult with each level, so half of the pieces are really tricky. Sometimes you think two wires are supposed to go together because they fit together so well, but once you start putting the rest of the puzzle together, you realize that it's wrong, that the wires actually go somewhere else.
So maybe in this sliding puzzle of life, I'm currently being fooled that we two pieces of a wire go together.
But I don't know for sure yet. I have to keep fiddling around with the other pieces to see.