Saturday, June 30, 2012

The city is a pity.

I just came back from staying out late drinking with a group of people, and it was scary how all of us didn't really feel like we had a true best friend in New York. We all moved here, expecting so much, but the city's lived up to none of our expectations. I don't know if it's just us, but we're all together because we all feel so alone, but none of us can connect to each other on a deeper level.

I almost feel like it's the curse of New York. All these TV shows set in NY accurately portray life in the city to an extent, but I think the one aspect that fails to be mentioned is that so many of us feel so alone here. Everyone in these New York shows seem to already have these super BFFs they can rely on for anything, but that almost seems like it's because they grew up together here. The truth is, most of the people here left their beloved hometowns, friends and family behind to start a new life here.

It's hard to just find a new best friend when you relocate, especially to a city like New York, full of so many lost dreams. Everyone here is trying to accomplish something, and we all relate to that, but we're so focused on such a goal that it's almost as if we don't have time or space to give to someone else. If we have the same goal, we may relate, but we also realize that that means there's just more competition, and it's hard to help each other out when you're both vying for that same spot that is just so difficult to attain.

What are we all going to do?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A List

1. 90+ degrees today in New York City and yet I still chose to wait outside for 2 hours in Central Park for the free Indecision in the Park comedy show. All I got was this pretty nifty pin, but free ice down my shirt would have been nice too.

2. Because it was so hot, all I wanted to do was go straight home and eat Reese's ice cream and watch The Glee Project, but alas, a shower was necessary first. Showering is such a chore because I never want to take the time to get under that spitting stream, but once I am under it, it's too comfortable to get out. Showers probably represent my future relationships.

3. Even though I had established a pretty steady sleep schedule of 5:00am-3:00pm these past two months, for some reason, last night I naturally got sleepy as fuck at 11:30pm and woke up at 7:00am. Never has waking up early registered as natural brain activity in my life. Therefore, I naturally suspect something may have gone awry last night with my body.

4. Luckily, I did wake up so early because today was my first day of work. The word "design" is in my job title, meaning that I will have to engage in some design activities, so now I have to fucking crack down and own Illustrator, InDesign, and Photoshop like they're my fucking children in the course of these next few days so that I can design something that doesn't look like a fucking asstwat.

5. Cameron and Kayla came to visit me in New York for the past few days, so I had to lug out the mattress for Kayla to sleep over. Now that it's here neatly sprawled along my floor though, it's so much more convenient and comfortable guhhh to just computer here rather than move it back into storage so that I can reach my desk again. It's perfectly normal to have a computer mattress and a sleeping mattress as separate entities in one room, RIGHT??

6. I'm going to see a free advanced screening of Magic Mike tomorrow!!!

To me:

Saturday, June 2, 2012

The beats inside

Last night, Patrick, Cha, and I went out drinking together. There was a point when we all had finally gotten kind of drunk, and Patrick decided he wanted to go home. I chased after him to get him to stay, but we ended up having a sort of precious bonding moment together from the alcohol-induced truths we spouted.

I wanted to preserve the moment, so I drafted it up in a scene, but as I wrote out the dialogue, I realized how selfish I was in the moment. Everything I was saying somehow circled back to myself when it really was not about me at all. I was just writing straight from the heart, whatever I would instinctively say in response to whatever he said, and I can't believe how revealing it all was to me. I never noticed it before, but having it all out on paper made it so obvious.

When I think about it though, I am a selfish person, but I don't really deliberately accept it because it's a socially frowned-upon trait. But when I'm bored, and there's no conversation flowing between me and someone else, I'll just talk about myself because I can't think of anything else that I can talk so easily about. I do it because I think eventually the other person will open up about themselves, but I realize he or she doesn't because I don't foster the exchange. I just keep talking. I don't ask the other person to relate in regards to him or herself, so he or she probably just sits and nods.

Patrick says all I do is complain, but I tell him it's because I'm just trying to make conversation, and it's easiest just to find fault with things, but what kind of person does that make me?

If I keep this up, soon, my words will just mean nothing to people.