Thursday, May 17, 2012

the horror

When I watch Girls, I roll my eyes at Hannah in my head whenever she's with Adam because he's obviously just using her, but she just keeps going back, and why doesn't she just stop. Then I realize that I do the same exact thing.

I think we all just take whatever we can get in terms of love. When I say love, I don't mean like a ~*boyfriend*~, but just anyone, who loves us. We all secretly kind of want someone to want us in some way, to choose us, so when we don't have the best options, we just stick with what we can get, in spite of the idiocy of the situation.

I just never feel like I have choices because I just always carry this sense of insecurity about me. I keep feeling that I'm not pretty enough for people to want to be around me, to befriend me, but at the same time, I like who I am and don't see anything wrong with me.

I've also somehow created this image that I hate intimacy, and I'm actually seen as the girl who isn't going to sleep over, who isn't going to cuddle, who's just going to let it in and let it out (Sorry for the crudeness). Maybe that's why guys sleep with me. I somehow exude intimacy-loathing, so they can expect no aftermath. It's not that I hate intimacy though; it's that I'm uncomfortable with it. I don't know how to deal with it because I've just never liked anyone enough to be comfortable with being so close with someone, to want to be so close with someone.

Maybe I do want someone with whom to cuddle some day, but I don't know whom, and I don't know know when.

The other day, Patrick and I were wandering around Times Square. This lady was pushing a stroller toward us, and suddenly, a freaky bloody skeleton thing popped out of it right in front of us. We both screamed for our lives, instinctively grabbed each other for safety, and hastily walked away. We walked like that for a bit, arm-in-arm, when I suddenly became aware of it and forcefully pulled out of the clutch-hold. Even though I love Patrick, I couldn't even walk arm-in-arm with him. It was freaking me out.

I think once I have choices, I'll stop all of this meaningless sleeping-around. I realize both Patrick and I just feel so lonely, despite the fact that we have each other. I don't say this in a depressing, self-pitying manner, but we've grown so close because we're the only two who understands how the other feels. We've gotten to the point where we don't even care about what kind of people we involve ourselves with, regardless of the circumstances, just as long as it's someone who wants to be with us.

Why is it so hard to make friends in this city? Because that's all we really want.

Maybe I should go to a party by myself and scare myself into meeting people. People don't seem to meet anyone anymore.

No comments:

Post a Comment