Sunday, August 25, 2013

I got excited at the prospect of a free monthly unlimited MetroCard, but then I realized that these days, I don't ever go out enough to make full use of it. I guess just the thought of not having to pay out of pocket just to go to work is comforting.

I actually don't go out at all anymore. I'm not sure if this dreadful feeling that's overcome me is because of my impending time of the month or the maturation of my mind, but I enjoy staying in on a Friday or Saturday night nowadays. Maybe I've partied myself out during my college years.

It's so depressing to see me write those words, as if my college years are something of the distant past, as my high school years truly are now, but I just don't feel that going out to party is something I need to do or am missing out on, since I've done it before, plenty of times before. I almost feel inconvenienced when someone suggests we go out to a bar because all I keep thinking is, why can't we just stay inside and talk because that's all we'll be doing at the bar anyway + it's free.

Maybe this is my slipping into my unemployed niche in society. Being freshly post-grad, I'm having a harder time defining who I am, when I just left 16 years of a uniform identification system: I'm a 4th grader, 7th grader, high schooler, college senior. Everyone seems to want to know what you're doing in this world, why you exist, and at the moment, it seems as if I have no purpose because I have no answer to the question "What do you do?"

I read. I clean. I sleep. I watch TV. I eat. But because I'm not making any money, it almost feels like a crime to me to indulge on a weekend, since none of the money I'm spending is mine. Indulging is practically what I do everyday, since I have no responsibilities, so a weekend really doesn't feel like a week-end but just another day.

Therefore, I feel like I've settled into this ennui, since I'm coming to my fourth month of unemployment. So maybe I just can't tell whether I don't have the luxury to go out or just don't want to go out.

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