+++++++

Sigh, I didn't get the job. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Back to more applying and cold-calling then.

Maybe I should do what the main character in Someday, Someday, Maybe did and give myself a deadline for my “dreams.” Not saying that that would make me work harder towards my goal because I feel like I’m doing all I can, but I don’t know how much longer I can make everyone around me worry for my unemployment, especially my parents, who just completely don’t support my decision at all.

Okay, it’s only been 2 whole months since I graduated. It’s still too early to worry. I have to stay positive.

Keep calm and whatever the fuck.

interview follow up

On Friday, I had an interview with a legit production, but I don't want to say what it is in case I jinx it. The interview went super super well, especially because we spent a good amount of it talking about the non-work-related stuff on my resume, i.e. my study abroad experiences. It really lightened the mood and allowed me to show my true true self, which I find a) hard to display when I'm stuck discussing the stuffy details of my work ethic + b) a much more exciting person to be around than my reserved interview persona.

But standard interview procedure calls for a follow-up email within 24 hours of the interview, and I got my interviewer's business card and clearly saw it in my purse when I put it there but lost it in the end, meaning I have no way of contacting my interviewer now. Sigh life. I really really really cross-my-fingers hope that this doesn't screw my chances, because technically I forget to follow up like all the fucking time and I do want to say that I totally didn't follow up on the interviews for the last two jobs I got. So here's to hoping?

not

If David and I weren’t dating, we wouldn’t be friends. Our personalities don’t mesh as friends. We have different interests, we enjoy different activities, we have different perspectives on things. But in spite of all this, we mesh so well as partners.

One day in Korean class, 선생님 asked us what was most important to us in finding a partner. Everyone gave the typical slew of “personality,” “education,” “looks” answers. As we added those words to our limited vocabularies, she wrote a new word on the board: 가치관. She loosely translated it to “values” and went on to elaborate that there is another level to relationships that really makes them stick. You could like the same bands and the same bars and complete each other’s sentences, but if your values are misaligned, you wouldn’t work out. You couldn’t work out. You have to want the same things, believe in the same things, be going down the same path.

David caught me at the right place and right time. If we had met anytime earlier than we did, I wouldn’t have given myself to him. Even though I had constantly wished for a boyfriend, I was never ready for one. There was always still more I wanted to do for myself, and just myself. I wasn’t ready to stop being selfish yet. And he wasn’t ready for me either. Any time earlier, I would’ve caught him taken, in a once-a-monthly sexual, mediocre relationship, and then lost, trying to get over the loss of the other half he had attached himself to for a year. I’m a very impulsive person, and I rely too much on my instincts to be swayed otherwise. If I had met David any time earlier, during any of these times, my immediate instincts would not open my heart to him at all. I would’ve found him physically attractive but nothing more.

But we didn’t meet earlier. We met at the perfect time. I had finished fooling around with the world, with random boys, with random interests and was finally ready to settle down, with graduation and the real world looming. And he had gotten over his ex and was ready to open his heart again because he lives to care, to love.

I’m scared though. I’m scared that even though our values are the same, they might not be in the same place. Whenever we get to talking about the future, all signs point to him staying in the Midwest where he grew up and leading a normal, stable life, but even before that, going to dental school nowhere near New York City. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to find a job in television, in New York City, where it is the complete opposite of normal and stable. This is what I want now, even though in the future, I do want the normal, stable, suburban family life outside of New York. But I don’t know where and how all of my wants right now factor into my future. David’s current path is definitively going toward the future he wants. My destination, on the other hand, is the same as his, but I’m going the opposite direction. I just want to be able to satisfy my whims until I’m ready to turn back around on my own. I’m scared though that he’ll just go on ahead of me, without me.

I love him. I love him so much. It never occurs to me that we have nothing in common because we just love each other. Isn’t that the only thing we need to have in common? But that’s why I’m scared, because our values are there, we both want the same things, but I’m the one who might eventually fuck this up because maybe I’m not quite there yet on the whole figuring-myself-out thing.

I told David that if we broke up, I don’t think we would stay friends because we would have nothing to talk about. There were no external experiences we would share, so we would never even cross paths. We would never be in each other’s lives again.

To this, he replied, “Then let’s just never break up.”

Baby steps

I have this terrible habit of starting things that seem fun, but once I get into it, half the time I just don't feel like following through because I've simply become bored of it. Maybe this fickleness seeps into the way I interact with people. I'll get to know someone, but before I've completely gotten to know them, I'll just go off and find someone new to hang out with because I just like being around different people. It energizes me.

I've constantly pined for a boyfriend. My favorite genre of movie is the romantic comedy because all I want in life is love and the laughter and tears that accompany it. But whenever I sit down and really dwell on it, I doubt my ability to really commit to it. The idea of someone who always wants to be with you, who constantly thinks of you, who loves you, frankly, kind of scared me because I didn't know if I would be able to return the favor, with my unstable state of mind.

I told him that I've never been attached to anyone, that I don't know how to be attached to anyone. I only know how to be detached because otherwise, I can't survive the New York jungle and all the flaky people who inhabit it, who come and go in and out of my life as they see fit, not caring about how badly I want them to stay. Those are the only types of people I know, so I've adapted.

An excerpt from our phone call tonight:

Me: I'm on my bed now! It's so comfortable.

Him: I want to be on your bed too.

Me: Because it's so comfortable, right?

Him: No, because that's where you are right now.

I didn't let it show in my voice, but I started crying. I started crying because I wanted to be where he was right now too. I wanted to see him so much.

Then I realized that this is what real "like" is.

Maybe I can learn to commit.

And to all

Last week, I was talking with Patrick and Han about post-grad, how I had recently learned that the salary I should expect from an entry-level job in the field I want to pursue, television, is around $30,000. I bemoaned it for a bit because that is just an unliveable salary in New York City and contemplated how to survive. The two's comments regarding my situation dripped with disdain, basically dismissing the career path I worked my whole college career on as an insensible one. I thought about what to do, trying to figure out what job I should ultimately do instead if TV doesn't fall through for me. The alternatives seemed promising, but I began to cry because deep down, I didn't ever want to be in this position, to have to choose to do anything but TV.

Today was the last day of lecture for my Producing for TV class. My professor closed off the class asking us, "If you couldn't be in television, what would be doing?"

As my classmates around me started muttering answers like "surgeon," "lawyer," "stocks," I thought quietly to myself. Advertising? That's the closest thing to TV I could do if I really couldn't do TV. But even with that reasoning, I still couldn't actually believe this to be the truth. Even then, I still wouldn't want to do advertising. I didn't know what my answer would be.

But then my professor spoke up.

"Your answer should be 'nothing.'

You're in television because you love it. There's nowhere else you'd want to be. Otherwise, you will never survive. Have a good night, everyone."

Every speaker who comes to speak to us from every different corner of the TV industry always teaches us, among all the technical skills and characteristics we need to have to be successful in TV, above all, we need passion. Passion is your drive. Passion is what gets you out of bed in the morning. Passion is what keeps you up past 5am to perfect that script, that take, that edit.

Passion is what feeds your soul.

Good night, everyone.

L for Loser in Love

I'm weak.

I guess what I need the most is to just live in the present instead of thinking of what's best in the long run so that in the long run, I can look back on good times instead of no times.

In the present, it makes me so happy to see him after so long because losing your one best friend is kind of the worst.

We walked back to my place together tonight, and there were periodic lulls, neither of us daring to bring up what had happened between us, but I didn't care anymore. When he left my place, I pulled him close and held on tight, not wanting to let go. I just wanted to feel him close to me so that I'd know he was there with me.

I really need a boyfriend.

I'm probably going to regret this, but I totally get why girls never leave abusive relationships now.

Part 2

Part 1 comes first.

But during all of yesterday, the whole time I kept using the events of the day to prove that I could survive without him. That I didn't need him to have fun and enjoy myself.

But when I'm letting him define my needs, what is that saying about me, about him?

He may not have been my better half, but sometimes I feel like he was my other half.

This past week, I've spent much longer hours lying in bed in the morning aka afternoon looking for excuses to stay on my phone, so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. I tell myself it's because my bed is so so comfortable, but I think it's really because I don't have anything to get out of bed for. 

I keep justifying to myself that what I'm doing is right, is best for me, but if it's actually the right thing to do, why would I constantly need all this justification?

By completely ignoring him, I was proving to him that I could live without him, but I think most importantly, I was proving it to myself.

I completely failed on my part though because I basically spent the past week reading and watching and writing and talking about break-ups. 

I admit, I do kind of miss him, but going back would just be asking for more abuse. I gave him this hiatus because slightly and secretly, I was hoping he would try to win me back, because then I could actually see that this friendship was for real, but instead, he spent the week talking shit about me behind my back to my most loyal trustee, so of course I know it happened.

The last time I cut myself off from someone was in Korea with Cameron and them because I was just ashamed of myself and didn't want to face them. Instead of saying I was crazy and leaving me be though, they wouldn't relent and kept trying to woo me out of my seclusion. They kept asking Patrick if I was okay and if he could talk me into going back to them. They even bought me Taco Bell, the ultimate symbol of our friendship, and left it outside my door for me to find.

Now when I have that show of real, true friendship to compare with this instance of seeming betrayal, I don't know what to do with myself. If I do choose to go back, in the back of my mind, I will always know that this isn't for real, that it's just out of pity or convenience. We can't ever repatch this friendship again and it really is all my fault.

One of the games I was playing on my iPod yesterday has all these levels of puzzles you have to solve. One of them is a sliding puzzle, where you slide the tiles and try to get the wires to match up. They get increasingly difficult with each level, so half of the pieces are really tricky. Sometimes you think two wires are supposed to go together because they fit together so well, but once you start putting the rest of the puzzle together, you realize that it's wrong, that the wires actually go somewhere else.

So maybe in this sliding puzzle of life, I'm currently being fooled that we two pieces of a wire go together. 

But I don't know for sure yet. I have to keep fiddling around with the other pieces to see.

The city is a pity.

I just came back from staying out late drinking with a group of people, and it was scary how all of us didn't really feel like we had a true best friend in New York. We all moved here, expecting so much, but the city's lived up to none of our expectations. I don't know if it's just us, but we're all together because we all feel so alone, but none of us can connect to each other on a deeper level.

I almost feel like it's the curse of New York. All these TV shows set in NY accurately portray life in the city to an extent, but I think the one aspect that fails to be mentioned is that so many of us feel so alone here. Everyone in these New York shows seem to already have these super BFFs they can rely on for anything, but that almost seems like it's because they grew up together here. The truth is, most of the people here left their beloved hometowns, friends and family behind to start a new life here.

It's hard to just find a new best friend when you relocate, especially to a city like New York, full of so many lost dreams. Everyone here is trying to accomplish something, and we all relate to that, but we're so focused on such a goal that it's almost as if we don't have time or space to give to someone else. If we have the same goal, we may relate, but we also realize that that means there's just more competition, and it's hard to help each other out when you're both vying for that same spot that is just so difficult to attain.

What are we all going to do?

Energy

I've had this song stuck in my head all day.

I've been pretty AWOL on here, but for good reason: I've actually been out and about these past few days! Now that I think about it, I haven't really met new people though, but I guess if I keep at it, someone will come up. I'm thinking about working in Wix Lounge tomorrow, for a studious atmosphere and a possible chance to network with fellow creatives.

My dad's been calling me pretty regularly to keep track of my job hunt progress. It's really great of him to care so much, but earlier, he called telling me that I should probably change my career path.

I haven't even begun my senior year of college yet, and he's already saying that I will fail? Maybe he's being realistic, but isn't it still way too early to tell? I angrily seethed when I hung up on him and dwelled on this fact. Everyone in school have been super supportive of me, in spite of all the rejection and lack of callbacks, but were they really just babying me because they don't have the nerve to say what they really think of my goals?

I guess friends are around to tell you that you can, while parents are around to tell you that you can't.

In that case, whose advice do you take?

I feel like that's the fire that fueled me tonight. I hunted in new terrains and just jet-packed full-heartedly applied for six jobs back to back, each with a personalized resume and cover letter. I know that I put the most insane amount of work into my job applications because everyone else I know practically sends the same resume and cover letter to every application.

If I don't have the connections, I better damn have the spirit for the job.

In the end, I want to prove everyone wrong. If no one actually believes in me, then I want to work so much harder to show that I have so much more to offer. I was about to give up on spec writing, but goddamn it, tomorrow I'm diving right back into that half-written cold open and writing it.

just writing to write

I feel like maybe I smother certain people so much because I have too much consideration to give. I'm too much of a people person that I need to have several people with whom to socialize or else I go crazy. Not that I always have to have hoards of people around me, but I can't only have one friend, but I also can't only have friends who are each individually in their own separate groups, to the point where I can't hang out with all of them together because people are too fucking scared to hang out with new people for some weird reason.

Patrick's definitely being smothered by my persistent contact. I can't help it because he's become the only person with whom I really enjoy spending time, even though I feel like I'm too much for him most of the time. I seriously can't only have one friend in New York fucking City because that completely limits my outings, especially since Patrick and I have different interests.

Tomorrow night I'm having dinner with my Chinese class and I'm hoping maybe afterward we can go off and hang out some more outside of class, maybe KTV, maybe celebrate Cinco de Mayo or something. But am I being racist for thinking these diligent Chinese students seem too studious to want to party all night with me? I'm hoping at least Jonny will go out with me so that I can actually give Will the good Manhattan time he's been constantly (and incorrectly) depending on me for.

Also, maybe I can get to know Hu Li Yang aka ARMS a little better because Patrick and I are trying so hard to find me someone to date. Yup, you heard that right; I've finally settled down. But it just almost seems harder to find suitable partners when I'm actually looking.

BLARRHHHHHHH OK. Tomorrow, I'm going to have a picnic at Prospect Park with Prague people, then go home to study for my Chinese exam a little more, then head out to have dinner with my Chinese class. Lastly, after all that, there better be some amazingly fun shit going down into the night.

Leaving the best state

"Have a good rest of your life," I said to people as I left them this week.

I'm kind of done with the having fun portion of my life now. I've completed a whole year abroad, and now I have to settle down and work, work towards surviving the rest of my life.

I'm overcome with that feeling of dread for New York again.

But it's because I associate New York with the scary uncertain future, and Texas with the comfortable wonderfully-remembered past.

This basically means I have to become super rich so that I can fly back home whenever I want.

Let's do this, world.