Baby steps

I have this terrible habit of starting things that seem fun, but once I get into it, half the time I just don't feel like following through because I've simply become bored of it. Maybe this fickleness seeps into the way I interact with people. I'll get to know someone, but before I've completely gotten to know them, I'll just go off and find someone new to hang out with because I just like being around different people. It energizes me.

I've constantly pined for a boyfriend. My favorite genre of movie is the romantic comedy because all I want in life is love and the laughter and tears that accompany it. But whenever I sit down and really dwell on it, I doubt my ability to really commit to it. The idea of someone who always wants to be with you, who constantly thinks of you, who loves you, frankly, kind of scared me because I didn't know if I would be able to return the favor, with my unstable state of mind.

I told him that I've never been attached to anyone, that I don't know how to be attached to anyone. I only know how to be detached because otherwise, I can't survive the New York jungle and all the flaky people who inhabit it, who come and go in and out of my life as they see fit, not caring about how badly I want them to stay. Those are the only types of people I know, so I've adapted.

An excerpt from our phone call tonight:

Me: I'm on my bed now! It's so comfortable.

Him: I want to be on your bed too.

Me: Because it's so comfortable, right?

Him: No, because that's where you are right now.

I didn't let it show in my voice, but I started crying. I started crying because I wanted to be where he was right now too. I wanted to see him so much.

Then I realized that this is what real "like" is.

Maybe I can learn to commit.