almost fucking done

Studying all these aspects of consumer behavior really makes me realize that I act like an average consumer after all: the delusional rationalizing of post-purchase dissonance, being attracted by cheap humor, wanting to try out Tide Pods just because they specifically declared they were going for the Apple appeal.

Marketers constantly try to appeal to our desire for individuality, but in the end, aren't we all essentially the same, since we're all trying to be unique?

I'll go back to studying now.

rather

Today, instead of going to the Prague people picnic, I lied in bed playing Scramble and Angry Birds for 2 hours.

Instead of making lunch, I decided to buy lunch. But instead of going out to buy lunch, I ordered pasta from Domino's.

I studied some Chinese, and then it was time to go to my Chinese class dinner. Everyone was really nice, albeit the dinner was damn awkward the whole time, our not knowing how to act in front of our teacher in this casual setting. I kept failing at eating, no matter how hard I tried to be dainty. Arms was super nice to me :] I felt like a total "pimpette," as Patrick denotes it, the whole time because I had all the guys in my class at my fingertips to hang out, but alas, nothing came to fruition.

So instead of going out after this dinner, I lolled around Gramercy for 2 hours trying to find someone who would stop studying to go out with me, before finally deciding to go home at 10pm to study Chinese.

The only consistent thing I did right today was study Chinese. Obviously, this language is my calling.

Blarrrhhh, as can be seen by all the instead's, I did absolutely nothing I planned on doing or wanted to do today. GUYS, it was CINCO DE MAYO. These are the times I wish I went to some sort of party school.

There's a reason why Yonsei was a fucking memorable semester of my life.

just writing to write

I feel like maybe I smother certain people so much because I have too much consideration to give. I'm too much of a people person that I need to have several people with whom to socialize or else I go crazy. Not that I always have to have hoards of people around me, but I can't only have one friend, but I also can't only have friends who are each individually in their own separate groups, to the point where I can't hang out with all of them together because people are too fucking scared to hang out with new people for some weird reason.

Patrick's definitely being smothered by my persistent contact. I can't help it because he's become the only person with whom I really enjoy spending time, even though I feel like I'm too much for him most of the time. I seriously can't only have one friend in New York fucking City because that completely limits my outings, especially since Patrick and I have different interests.

Tomorrow night I'm having dinner with my Chinese class and I'm hoping maybe afterward we can go off and hang out some more outside of class, maybe KTV, maybe celebrate Cinco de Mayo or something. But am I being racist for thinking these diligent Chinese students seem too studious to want to party all night with me? I'm hoping at least Jonny will go out with me so that I can actually give Will the good Manhattan time he's been constantly (and incorrectly) depending on me for.

Also, maybe I can get to know Hu Li Yang aka ARMS a little better because Patrick and I are trying so hard to find me someone to date. Yup, you heard that right; I've finally settled down. But it just almost seems harder to find suitable partners when I'm actually looking.

BLARRHHHHHHH OK. Tomorrow, I'm going to have a picnic at Prospect Park with Prague people, then go home to study for my Chinese exam a little more, then head out to have dinner with my Chinese class. Lastly, after all that, there better be some amazingly fun shit going down into the night.

O yes.

Today was my last day of work, and probably my least busiest day at that. I guess work wasn't so bad, but I'm really looking forward to having real free time this coming week. I had to deliver dresses today, and the fact that they were so fucking heavy, causing me to sweat and run out of breath (my muscles were. so. sore.), was evidence enough that it's really time I start regularly hitting the gym.

List of things I need to buy:
-sneakers
-sandals
-food/groceries
-....clothes

How the fuck do girls wear heels all day? I try to practice wearing them at work, but at the end of the day, my feet are pained with blisters everywhere. I just can't get used to them. The balance thing is a lot of trouble too.

But now I'm officially unemployed. I'd love to remain in this peaceful, restful state because I just haven't quite had 'me' time for a really long time, but sadly, the real world continues to loom ever closer and I have to learn self-discipline and just work for a living.

I know I'm still young and immature because I still hold onto the mindset of not wanting to conform to what others have latched onto. My whole life I've never wanted to do what everyone else was doing, but if I had to, I'd make sure I was doing it completely differently. Combined with my stubborn nature, this usually resulted in my not ever doing what someone told me to do. Almost the worst thing someone can say to me is "You should do ____" because almost immediately will I reject it no questions asked.

It's become a conflict though because people have started telling me to do things I'd actually enjoy doing, but just the way I've lived my whole life puppeteers me to reject them. It's just become so instinctive it's frightening how much I'm holding myself back.

I need to start saying yes.

almost there

omg I'm almost done guys.

I've had such an incredibly busy semester. Class from 8:00am all the way until late in the evening, work on the days I don't have class. Weekends are just for myself to curb all responsibilities and do whatever I want.

I've been terrible at keeping my resolutions as a result. I haven't even been caught up with TV for god's sake. WHAT IS LIFE.

This summer, I'll be writing a lot more regularly. Because I won't be having too many overarching duties, I don't have an excuse not to write everyday, eh?

I just finished my Chinese final oral exam, which I feel really good about~ I have a business paper (gag) due Wednesday and my (only) 2 final exams on Monday! Then I'm completely free! This is the first semester I've been so lucky to finish so early, but omg, I'm going to be officially a COLLEGE SENIOR by next Wednesday. That is so crazy.

Mom won't let me buy a ticket home until I have a job this summer. :( Fingers crossed for my second round interview next week!

>>> SUMMER PLANS:

• Write everyday!!
• Read at least 3 books. It seriously should not be that difficult, but Bobst fucking blows as a library and never has any books.
• Catch up on TV! Top of the list: Revenge, Homeland, Freaks and Geeks.
• Experience more of NYC. I seriously haven't gone out nearly as much as I did when I first got here. I'm missing a lot of moments. I haven't even seen Death of a Salesman with Andrew Garfield yet!! Closing June 2 AAHHH. I think I'll go TKTS them next week.
• Work out at least 30 minutes a day. My belly is eating me up, and soon I shall be all belly.

why write

It took me three years doing this major to realize I'm not cut out for it. It's too late to change majors now.

Fuck.

What now?

Marketing is interesting because I get to learn about behavior without the essays. I don't care enough to create campaigns for random companies, maintaining brand image, or spreading word of mouth. I just enjoy learning about people's motivations, telling stories, and creating perfect lists of three.

I guess what matches my interests and needs more is something that allows me to truly practice the art of human emotion and relationship that has always interested me.

I'm all about the craziness of life, instead of the nitty-gritty practicality. Every time I try to expand my mind, this business school just cuts me down and says, "No, do what's been done because we know it works."

But I think the most amazing moments in life happen when you say yes, to uncertainty, to what may lie ahead.

Even in this time of seeming despair, I don't feel destroyed by the monstrous unknown. I strangely am still able to cling onto a twig of hope.

This is new, but this is nice.

5 Things

5 Things That Made Me Happy Recently:

1. My super ability to be in the mood to churn out quality cover letter after cover letter the other day and knock out 6 internship applications.
2. Getting a new super soft (and free!) mattress to sleep on. I never wanna get out of bed ever again. As a matter of fact, guess where this post is being written?
3. Being done with midterms. Freedom tastes so so sweet.
4. Reconnecting with some people for a bit and possibly being able to hang out with them soon: Derek, Willie, and maybe even Will.
5. Having one-on-one personal talks and doing nails together with Han like the old days when we used to live together.