jewels of truth

The more self-aware I become, the more I realize how fucking gross I am.

Guys, this is the second day in a row that I haven't showered.

I know that men can go days without showering (please, never tell me), but I already feel gross. Sadly, I'm probably not going to shower until tomorrow because I have to finish this paper AND THEN OFFICIALLY BECOME A SENIOR.

Today I knew I had to knock out this whole paper, especially since I hadn't started and it's due tomorrow, but god, I've been so unmotivated and distracted so damn easily. I actually was going to go to Bobst to write this because I knew I would be infinitely more productive there, but the reason I didn't. was. because. I neither wanted to change out of my pajamas nor shower. I am so fucking lazy.

I am currently considering sleeping in a shower cap tonight so that my gross hair won't touch my pillows (whose pillowcases I haven't washed in months btw).

I'm really trying to become a better person because my current goal is to get a boyfriend---STOP. I UNDERSTAND HOW SHALLOW THIS SOUNDS, BUT THIS IS A BIG DEAL, GUYS. I'M ACTUALLY SETTLING DOWN.---but before I can even accomplish that, I need to pick myself up and get rid of this mess of a person I've become. I've seriously let myself go these past couple of years when I took myself off the dating market (of which I was never considered a part, most likely).

What happened to the kick-ass, stage-managing, going-to-rule-the-world dominatrix I used to be in high school? How did college completely rip me a new skeleton aka no skeleton? It's safe to say that I am a complete nobody and failure right now. This isn't a depression or pity-asking statement; it's a true statement. The trajectory of what I could become has been going downhill ever since I left high school. I took a career quiz the other day and it told me I would be good at being a janitor.

Patrick is constantly berating me about not having common sense, how I have absolutely no analytical skills, and he's most likely correct. However, the things I think are common sense are levels way below common sense according to him. The things that he thinks are common sense are like higher-level thinking to me. Does that just make me retarded? Or only fit to contribute to society through mopping the vomit-covered hallways of elementary schools?

What the fuck happened to me?

I shall dwell on this question while eating Easy Mac and watching Will & Grace. Instead of finishing this paper.