Experience

I have these ideas of realistic stories I want to write but realize I have no authority or any insight on writing them because I've never had the experience.

Relationships is a big aspect of stories that I'm interested in writing, but I've never been in a relationship in my life, so I have no idea how they would actually work. Any one that I would create would be an imitation of what I see in movies and TV shows, making it feel completely unoriginal and generic. I could ask myself what I would do in that situation, but when you're head over heels for someone, all logic goes out the door, so any logic I try to inject into the story would in turn not feel right.

There might be a life lesson to be learned from this. I probably need to go out and have more experiences.

Or I could just write what I know and only ever write about sad, single girls.

Out of My Mind

This song is sick. Insane asylum sick, literally.

Fox Tuesdays

Check out the cool swag I got from today's advanced Fox screenings I attended! We watched the pilots for Ben & Kate and The Mindy Project, and then a live stream of a Q&A with the Fox stars in LA. I totally have to say, the Ben & Kate pilot was actually my favorite of the two. Quite honestly, I wasn't planning on giving it a chance at all because the premise seemed so generic, but it was so well-written and hilariouss. Lucy Punch is so HIL4RZ, but I'm so in love with Dakota Johnson be my new best friend okbye.

Also, Nick is so unfunny on New Girl, but Jake Johnson is such a riot in real life! I couldn't stop laughing. Max Greenfield, on the other hand, is so much more subdued than Schmidt is, but still a darling. :)

New addition to my wall~

I ♥ TV

Jesse drinking water on last night's Breaking Bad

Because it was the most hilarious scene.

You're welcome.

Learned how to make GIFs just now for this sole purpose.

An interesting conversation

INT. CRIMSON - LAST FRIDAY NIGHT

PAM & JOANNA

Are you Korean?

CONZ

No, I'm Chinese.

PAM & JOANNA

But you're so beautiful!

Can't tell if I was supposed to be flattered or insulted.

In other news, I just killed a fly with my bare hands. I feel like such a boss.

L for Loser in Love

I'm weak.

I guess what I need the most is to just live in the present instead of thinking of what's best in the long run so that in the long run, I can look back on good times instead of no times.

In the present, it makes me so happy to see him after so long because losing your one best friend is kind of the worst.

We walked back to my place together tonight, and there were periodic lulls, neither of us daring to bring up what had happened between us, but I didn't care anymore. When he left my place, I pulled him close and held on tight, not wanting to let go. I just wanted to feel him close to me so that I'd know he was there with me.

I really need a boyfriend.

I'm probably going to regret this, but I totally get why girls never leave abusive relationships now.

Take a Walk

Wow, guys and girls, we're such pieces of work.

We girls, we're so emotional and so moody, especially just around the river bend, if you catch my drift, my bloody red drift. Occasionally, we'll lash out in amazingly dramatic spurts, with or without a stick up our vaginas. We love our girlfriends to death, but every other girl is a bitch. You cross us and you might not see the light of day until we want you to.

Therefore, guys just don't know what the hell to do with us. Half the time, they're probably tip-toeing around us because they know what we're capable of. It must be so blissful to live with constant simple thoughts of tinsel.

I guess if I accidentally bitch out at a guy next time, I can probably, actually definitely, just say that I was PMS-ing and there will be no questions asked. If there's one thing guys never want to talk about, it's periods.

Too bad it's a get-out-of-jail-free card that only works once a month. Hopefully they're not counting.

Part 2

Part 1 comes first.

But during all of yesterday, the whole time I kept using the events of the day to prove that I could survive without him. That I didn't need him to have fun and enjoy myself.

But when I'm letting him define my needs, what is that saying about me, about him?

He may not have been my better half, but sometimes I feel like he was my other half.

This past week, I've spent much longer hours lying in bed in the morning aka afternoon looking for excuses to stay on my phone, so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. I tell myself it's because my bed is so so comfortable, but I think it's really because I don't have anything to get out of bed for. 

I keep justifying to myself that what I'm doing is right, is best for me, but if it's actually the right thing to do, why would I constantly need all this justification?

By completely ignoring him, I was proving to him that I could live without him, but I think most importantly, I was proving it to myself.

I completely failed on my part though because I basically spent the past week reading and watching and writing and talking about break-ups. 

I admit, I do kind of miss him, but going back would just be asking for more abuse. I gave him this hiatus because slightly and secretly, I was hoping he would try to win me back, because then I could actually see that this friendship was for real, but instead, he spent the week talking shit about me behind my back to my most loyal trustee, so of course I know it happened.

The last time I cut myself off from someone was in Korea with Cameron and them because I was just ashamed of myself and didn't want to face them. Instead of saying I was crazy and leaving me be though, they wouldn't relent and kept trying to woo me out of my seclusion. They kept asking Patrick if I was okay and if he could talk me into going back to them. They even bought me Taco Bell, the ultimate symbol of our friendship, and left it outside my door for me to find.

Now when I have that show of real, true friendship to compare with this instance of seeming betrayal, I don't know what to do with myself. If I do choose to go back, in the back of my mind, I will always know that this isn't for real, that it's just out of pity or convenience. We can't ever repatch this friendship again and it really is all my fault.

One of the games I was playing on my iPod yesterday has all these levels of puzzles you have to solve. One of them is a sliding puzzle, where you slide the tiles and try to get the wires to match up. They get increasingly difficult with each level, so half of the pieces are really tricky. Sometimes you think two wires are supposed to go together because they fit together so well, but once you start putting the rest of the puzzle together, you realize that it's wrong, that the wires actually go somewhere else.

So maybe in this sliding puzzle of life, I'm currently being fooled that we two pieces of a wire go together. 

But I don't know for sure yet. I have to keep fiddling around with the other pieces to see.

Part 1

Yesterday, I watched my first game of the 2012 Olympics, South Korea vs. Japan Men's Soccer for the Bronze. I watched pretty observantly as Korea knocked in those two goals while I took uninterested nibbles into my baguette club sandwich but didn't stay long enough to see the game end because I had to leave to go take Christina to her eye appointment in Chinatown.

Sidenote: I really hate sandwiches that use baguette-like breads. Sliced bread all the way, man.

Dealing with fobs is kind of the worst, but dealing with Chinese ones is definitely the worst. Having finally set this appointment after a long drudging phone conversation, we find out that the eye people actually don't carry CRT lenses after Christina specified, re-specified, and re-re-specified to them exactly what she needed. Chinese people never fucking listen or care.

Well that was a waste of time then, so we decided to grab dinner in Chinatown at a ramen place we decided to try out. What we learned that day: Chinese people make the worst ramen. This was the second time I went to a Chinese restaurant to eat ramen, and both times, at separate restaurants, it was overcooked, so I'm led to believe that that's how Chinese people cook their ramen, uck. Neither of us could finish our bowls, but we made up for it by spending 3 hours talking about life. I told her about my problems, she told me about hers. It was really nice to just spend a day with my sister because in this busy city, it's so hard to find time to do so for some reason, even when we don't feel like we're ever doing something productive.

Then we headed back up to her place out of convenience because Peter had texted me earlier to hang out at night. For about two hours, I played games on my iPod while Christina browsed furniture online when I realized that Peter still hadn't texted me back, so I asked for details and he sent me an address and a time.

INT. CHRISTINA'S APARTMENT - EVENING

CONZ

915 Broadway, 10:15.

CHRISTINA

Wait, I think that's on 21st and Broadway. (types into Google Maps) Yeah, that's 21st and Broadway cuz my work address is 920 Broadway.

CONZ

Oh whoa, that's near here. 

CHRISTINA

What's this place supposed to be?

CONZ

Uh, I don't know, he didn't say. I'll ask. (texts "Is this a bar or someone's apt?") Well, are you doing anything tonight? Do you want to come along?

CHRISTINA

I think me and Simon are going to Crimson tonight cuz his friends are promoting a party there, but I don't know for sure because Simon seems really tired.

CONZ

Is Crimson a lounge or a club or something?

CHRISTINA

It's more like a club.

CONZ

(receives text) What, he says it's a club.

CHRISTINA

What the, I don't ever remember seeing a club there.

CONZ

Uhh.. I'm not dressed up because I thought we were going to a bar.

CHRISTINA

Wait a sec...

Christina types "crimson nightclub" into Google. The first result is the address, 915 Broadway.

CONZ

Oh my god.

Super weird coincidence. Christina and I never cross paths, but this night we practically had the same plans without even knowing it. Well, Christina decided that she wasn't going to go anymore because she didn't want to go awkward clubbing with her big sister, hahaha. We scourged her closet for a dress I could wear and decided on a partially-dried black mini.

Long story short, Peter and Will, the two guys I knew the best there, bailed, so I ended up partying with Jagi and Moe and her friends from the spring semester at Yonsei. Even though I didn't know anyone that well, it was a nice nostalgic escape from real New York. At one point of the night, we're not sure if we got booked lol. Weirdly though, I bumped into Lillian and Ran and some other NYU people there too. It was the first time in five days that I had seen anyone from NYU, so I also experienced a different kind of weird nostalgia from that moment.

Having only bites of a sandwich and half a bowl of overcooked ramen lining my stomach, I immediately got drunk off of one shot of tequila, 2 mixed drinks, and a glass of champagne. I know it's just me, but champagne only tastes good when you're already kind of drunk.

The group split in two when the girls decided to go to Marquee and the guys chose the K-town route. I stuck with Moe and Jagi to K-town because of the familiarity of both the people and the place. We drank at Woorijip (of course) and I was "good drunk" the first time ever since Korea.

McLife

These days, one of the reasons I dread even getting out of bed on a day without work is because then that means I have to find a means to feed myself for the day.

For some reason, anytime I try to cook something, even if I've followed all the instructions to the dot, I still can't get myself to think it's edible. I can't tell if it's because I psychologically convince myself it's disgusting, but I don't ever think what I cook tastes good. Since I live in this city where groceries are just as expensive as eating out, I don't have any incentive to take the time to drudge through the labor of cooking when I can pay the same amount of money to do absolutely nothing except wait for the food to be set in front of me.

Sadly though, I live across the street from a 24-hour McDonald's, and with my abnormal sleeping habits, it's the only thing that complements my unhuman (inhuman?) ways. My room is embarrassingly always laden with empty McDonald's bags and cups.

Today I'm eating a salad though to make myself feel better. But then I added on a medium fries because.

There's a salad under this bag that isn't pictured but that reflects the effect it will have on my health anyway so yolo.

The only way I feel like I'm doing something with my life is when I'm experiencing another's because there's absolutely nothing going on in mine/I don't know what to do in this city by myself. I spent the day reading books at Barnes & Noble and feel like I've accomplished something. Now I come home and plop myself onto my bed ready to eat my McDonald's salad, medium fries, and watch Sex & the City (but after writing this entry at my desk because for some reason the AC doesn't reach my bed ?? ).

How does anyone who moves to a new city by themselves meet people by themselves? Craigslist is the creepiest place ever, guys.

I'm considering getting up and moving to a hick town no one's ever heard of in Iowa because at least the people there will be less into their own lives than everyone here.

Fuck you

"...I'm tired of people telling me it's a 'just get over it' situation. Fuck you, you don't know what it's like in my head."

--The Newsroom, season 1, episode 6

This one line sums up how I've been feeling this whole time.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm being overdramatic, but if it wasn't actually that big of a deal to me, I would be okay. I wouldn't have flown off the handle and cut off all communication. It's so mean to ever say to someone, when he/she's looking for consolation from you in an issue that's tearing them apart, that it's not that big a deal. Because at that moment, it is. At that moment, by saying that, you've become the enemy. You say you understand so that's why it's not a big deal? That means you don't understand.

Today, I explained everything to Callie starting from the beginning of it all: Korea. I even went all the way back to freshman year, reliving all of those bad memories of the bad people. I was the most eloquent I had ever been and I wish I had it all written down. I can't remember the last time things were backward like that for me, where I'm more eloquent speaking than writing. I don't think things have ever been backward like that for me. But anyway, she did what a good friend was supposed to do: support you through thick and thin, regardless of whether it's right or wrong. She understood that it was a big deal to me, even if it wasn't to her.

There is a right and wrong way to do friendship. You can build it up perfectly, but if you don't take care of it properly, the ship will fall apart, and you can't put it back together when it's already far out at sea.

It means nothing if I just let the issue go so quickly. He wins. I don't want to be weak and just go back because it's convenient. I need to be stronger.

I've accomplished absolutely none of my goals this summer. Since this is the last thing I've set myself to do, I will see this through to the end.

It's been two days.

It's only been two days and I probably have suffered more than he has and he probably doesn't even give a damn about it.

I don't need a vacation because then I'll be alone with my thoughts which will tear me apart. I need someone else's thoughts to take the place of mine.

Sometimes I wish I could be an actress so that I could just live other people's lives.

The Black Hole

It almost seems easier to have a boyfriend than to have an actual friend because with a boyfriend, if you don't want their company anymore, you can just break up with them and never have to see each other again, no questions asked, whereas with a friend, you can't just suddenly decide, "I don't want to be your friend anymore," because any reason just seems petty, no matter how big of a deal it actually is to you.

Sometimes, you're just tired of people, and you don't want to see them again, but when yall are supposed to be "friends," it's hard to "break up" because there are no standards for doing so.

Does anyone know how to "break up" with a friend? The last time I did it, I literally ignored every advance from the guy, and it helped that I was graduating high school and moving out-of-state for college. Now though, I guess I'm graduating this year, but I'll probably still be here, but he's still friends with everyone I'm friends with...

I wish, wish, wish I had more friends here. I miss having multiple groups of friends. Here, I feel obligated to just stick with this group because otherwise, I have no one else. I can decide to be a loner yet again, but that loneliness has always resulted in tumultuous moodiness, and I lose all ambition for anything in the world because I feel like nothing matters anymore. Not a good time to hole myself up in my den when I'm supposed to be out networking for a job straight out of graduation.

Now I'm veering again, but I just feel like dreams are just all made up post-baby-boomer-era to give the next generation more optimism after dark years of a seemingly black future.

I'm getting fat :'(

omgggguhhhh

Even though showers are such a hassle, when you're out in the humidity that sticks to you like Saran wrap, the post-shower comfort is the greatest feeling in the world.

Other miscellaneous thoughts:

• Ever since senior year of high school, I've recorded in a planner the main points of every day in my life, meaning that so far I have the last 4 years of my life recorded in little journals. This summer has been the worst ever in my life because I've done absolutely nothing productive (I always successfully accomplish my goals during summers :[ New York is the worst.), yet I still don't find time to do real things. So the other day, I decided to fill in the past 2 empty months. To do so, I dug through my texts and chats for these past months and realized that my whole life can be pieced together through these technological records. Thank god for that, but also, kind of scary.
• I realized that I don't have any close girlfriends to talk to about guy stuff. I mean, I talk to Patrick about guys, but it's not the same as talking to a girl about them because we wanna be girly about it, rate them, MFK, etc. Even though he's gay, Patrick's still a guy, so he prefers to not talk about feelings and shit. I also just have other worries I want to discuss, and guys don't care. I wanna have girls' nights and hit on guys at bars together. I always go out with just two guys by my side, so I'm already unapproachable, never mind whatever factors of mine could already be repulsive.
• I spent two days in a Barnes & Noble last week just reading and it was one of the best uses of my time here this summer.

Stripes

Yay nails~