Summer time

Watermelon nails ♥

I've had these for almost two weeks now. My nails are growing long and it's getting hard to type and text, but I love these cuties too much to get rid of them to cut my nails :'(

So until I can think of a new nail pattern to do, I'll have to deal with being Ms. Crab Hands.

not smh at hsm!!

I spent the last approximate two hours singing along to soundtracks in my room, particularly those of High School Musical and Smash.

I've never been in such a blissful mood doing nothing productive when I think of all I don't have.

That was my ungrateful millenial status speaking, but I'm currently in the total mood to fall in love, don't have any prospects, yet I don't feel down about it. No, I'm not thinking of it in an optimistic light. In fact, I feel completely hopeless about my girlfriend-becoming abilities, but for some reason, I'm completely okay with it.

The other day, Cha was talking about how he was sexually frustrated, in spite of the fact that he has a newly-instilled girlfriend, and I realized how I wasn't, in spite of the fact that I haven't had a sexual partner for more than a month now. I just didn't feel like I needed any male companionship for some reason when that's pretty much the sad goal of my life at the moment.

Maybe it's because I currently have my first semi-stable group of friends here in New York. I'm not completely satisfied with it, but we three can constantly rely on each other to just chill, even though we live so so soooo far from each other. 42nd St to 15th St, all the way down to Financial fucking District. Patrick and I are looking for new apartments and we're totally moving up to more of the Midtown area so that we can all stay in relatively convenient locations for all of us.

We're the ultimate trifecta: straight guy + gay guy + straight girl (moiiiii), the platonic relationship Hollywood and television has not explored yet. It's such an interesting dynamic to write about, and I wish I was back at the state of productivity I was at in the beginning of this summer rather than mulling around in this incapacity to do anything real when I don't have work.

The city is a pity.

I just came back from staying out late drinking with a group of people, and it was scary how all of us didn't really feel like we had a true best friend in New York. We all moved here, expecting so much, but the city's lived up to none of our expectations. I don't know if it's just us, but we're all together because we all feel so alone, but none of us can connect to each other on a deeper level.

I almost feel like it's the curse of New York. All these TV shows set in NY accurately portray life in the city to an extent, but I think the one aspect that fails to be mentioned is that so many of us feel so alone here. Everyone in these New York shows seem to already have these super BFFs they can rely on for anything, but that almost seems like it's because they grew up together here. The truth is, most of the people here left their beloved hometowns, friends and family behind to start a new life here.

It's hard to just find a new best friend when you relocate, especially to a city like New York, full of so many lost dreams. Everyone here is trying to accomplish something, and we all relate to that, but we're so focused on such a goal that it's almost as if we don't have time or space to give to someone else. If we have the same goal, we may relate, but we also realize that that means there's just more competition, and it's hard to help each other out when you're both vying for that same spot that is just so difficult to attain.

What are we all going to do?

A List

1. 90+ degrees today in New York City and yet I still chose to wait outside for 2 hours in Central Park for the free Indecision in the Park comedy show. All I got was this pretty nifty pin, but free ice down my shirt would have been nice too.

2. Because it was so hot, all I wanted to do was go straight home and eat Reese's ice cream and watch The Glee Project, but alas, a shower was necessary first. Showering is such a chore because I never want to take the time to get under that spitting stream, but once I am under it, it's too comfortable to get out. Showers probably represent my future relationships.

3. Even though I had established a pretty steady sleep schedule of 5:00am-3:00pm these past two months, for some reason, last night I naturally got sleepy as fuck at 11:30pm and woke up at 7:00am. Never has waking up early registered as natural brain activity in my life. Therefore, I naturally suspect something may have gone awry last night with my body.

4. Luckily, I did wake up so early because today was my first day of work. The word "design" is in my job title, meaning that I will have to engage in some design activities, so now I have to fucking crack down and own Illustrator, InDesign, and Photoshop like they're my fucking children in the course of these next few days so that I can design something that doesn't look like a fucking asstwat.

5. Cameron and Kayla came to visit me in New York for the past few days, so I had to lug out the mattress for Kayla to sleep over. Now that it's here neatly sprawled along my floor though, it's so much more convenient and comfortable guhhh to just computer here rather than move it back into storage so that I can reach my desk again. It's perfectly normal to have a computer mattress and a sleeping mattress as separate entities in one room, RIGHT??

6. I'm going to see a free advanced screening of Magic Mike tomorrow!!!

To me:

The beats inside

Last night, Patrick, Cha, and I went out drinking together. There was a point when we all had finally gotten kind of drunk, and Patrick decided he wanted to go home. I chased after him to get him to stay, but we ended up having a sort of precious bonding moment together from the alcohol-induced truths we spouted.

I wanted to preserve the moment, so I drafted it up in a scene, but as I wrote out the dialogue, I realized how selfish I was in the moment. Everything I was saying somehow circled back to myself when it really was not about me at all. I was just writing straight from the heart, whatever I would instinctively say in response to whatever he said, and I can't believe how revealing it all was to me. I never noticed it before, but having it all out on paper made it so obvious.

When I think about it though, I am a selfish person, but I don't really deliberately accept it because it's a socially frowned-upon trait. But when I'm bored, and there's no conversation flowing between me and someone else, I'll just talk about myself because I can't think of anything else that I can talk so easily about. I do it because I think eventually the other person will open up about themselves, but I realize he or she doesn't because I don't foster the exchange. I just keep talking. I don't ask the other person to relate in regards to him or herself, so he or she probably just sits and nods.

Patrick says all I do is complain, but I tell him it's because I'm just trying to make conversation, and it's easiest just to find fault with things, but what kind of person does that make me?

If I keep this up, soon, my words will just mean nothing to people.

Energy

I've had this song stuck in my head all day.

I've been pretty AWOL on here, but for good reason: I've actually been out and about these past few days! Now that I think about it, I haven't really met new people though, but I guess if I keep at it, someone will come up. I'm thinking about working in Wix Lounge tomorrow, for a studious atmosphere and a possible chance to network with fellow creatives.

My dad's been calling me pretty regularly to keep track of my job hunt progress. It's really great of him to care so much, but earlier, he called telling me that I should probably change my career path.

I haven't even begun my senior year of college yet, and he's already saying that I will fail? Maybe he's being realistic, but isn't it still way too early to tell? I angrily seethed when I hung up on him and dwelled on this fact. Everyone in school have been super supportive of me, in spite of all the rejection and lack of callbacks, but were they really just babying me because they don't have the nerve to say what they really think of my goals?

I guess friends are around to tell you that you can, while parents are around to tell you that you can't.

In that case, whose advice do you take?

I feel like that's the fire that fueled me tonight. I hunted in new terrains and just jet-packed full-heartedly applied for six jobs back to back, each with a personalized resume and cover letter. I know that I put the most insane amount of work into my job applications because everyone else I know practically sends the same resume and cover letter to every application.

If I don't have the connections, I better damn have the spirit for the job.

In the end, I want to prove everyone wrong. If no one actually believes in me, then I want to work so much harder to show that I have so much more to offer. I was about to give up on spec writing, but goddamn it, tomorrow I'm diving right back into that half-written cold open and writing it.

Stephen Caribbean

Yesterday, Urban Outfitters was hosting this event where you could decorate your own Munny in participating stores or go to the huge 5th Ave store and get yours personally designed by a kidrobot artist.

Patrick and I went to the 14th St one to do-it-ourselves decorate because it was close by. God dang, it was pouring like fuuuuuck by the way. Seriously, New York, it didn't rain at all in April and now May is dropping deuces like it had Taco Bell for every meal. Because we would've been soaked it we went outside again, we decided that taking our time decorating our Munnys inside Urban wouldn't be too bad.

We were given free markers, glitter, and glue. I hadn't done anything arts-and-craftsy with my hands for a long time, and I've got to say, those were the most relaxing 2 hours I had in a while. Across the table from us were a group of elementary aged kids decorating as well while chatting. Listening to their conversations while coloring just reminded me of the innocent old days of being young. It was really nice to not have anything to worry about, except for which color to color the Munny's arms with.

Above is my finished result. It's a standing hippo dude wearing a hat with glitter flowers. I named him Stephen Caribbean. Just being in an environment that enveloped me in youthfulness started bringing back memories of my younger self, and how when I used to draw pictures for fun, I would draw peace signs and yin-yang signs on everything. So you can't see it in the picture, but Stephen has a purple peace sign drawn on the back of his head.

"Does this mean I was a hippie?" I inquired to Patrick.