Basic Space

I'm sitting in a Barnes & Noble reading Infinite Jest while the xx's album in its entirety is being played over the speakers. This is the most peaceful I've been this summer. I could stay like this the rest of the day if it weren't for the fact that B&N closes unlike the rest of New York and that I kind of want to make it back home in time for the Power Players Jeopardy, despite the fact that the answers are a lot more difficult than I'm used to.

I've reverted to my old self, going to bed in the wee hours of the night and not waking up until late afternoon. I've been eating one real meal a day. All I want to do every hour is read and watch TV and study Japanese and write, but the plethora of activities that are finally at my disposal is consumed by the comparatively much less time I have in each day.

I guess this is a lesson in time management.

Why is it weird to us if gay guys have straight guy friends?

the horror

When I watch Girls, I roll my eyes at Hannah in my head whenever she's with Adam because he's obviously just using her, but she just keeps going back, and why doesn't she just stop. Then I realize that I do the same exact thing.

I think we all just take whatever we can get in terms of love. When I say love, I don't mean like a ~*boyfriend*~, but just anyone, who loves us. We all secretly kind of want someone to want us in some way, to choose us, so when we don't have the best options, we just stick with what we can get, in spite of the idiocy of the situation.

HONESTY:
I just never feel like I have choices because I just always carry this sense of insecurity about me. I keep feeling that I'm not pretty enough for people to want to be around me, to befriend me, but at the same time, I like who I am and don't see anything wrong with me.

I've also somehow created this image that I hate intimacy, and I'm actually seen as the girl who isn't going to sleep over, who isn't going to cuddle, who's just going to let it in and let it out (Sorry for the crudeness). Maybe that's why guys sleep with me. I somehow exude intimacy-loathing, so they can expect no aftermath. It's not that I hate intimacy though; it's that I'm uncomfortable with it. I don't know how to deal with it because I've just never liked anyone enough to be comfortable with being so close with someone, to want to be so close with someone.

Maybe I do want someone with whom to cuddle some day, but I don't know whom, and I don't know know when.

The other day, Patrick and I were wandering around Times Square. This lady was pushing a stroller toward us, and suddenly, a freaky bloody skeleton thing popped out of it right in front of us. We both screamed for our lives, instinctively grabbed each other for safety, and hastily walked away. We walked like that for a bit, arm-in-arm, when I suddenly became aware of it and forcefully pulled out of the clutch-hold. Even though I love Patrick, I couldn't even walk arm-in-arm with him. It was freaking me out.

I think once I have choices, I'll stop all of this meaningless sleeping-around. I realize both Patrick and I just feel so lonely, despite the fact that we have each other. I don't say this in a depressing, self-pitying manner, but we've grown so close because we're the only two who understands how the other feels. We've gotten to the point where we don't even care about what kind of people we involve ourselves with, regardless of the circumstances, just as long as it's someone who wants to be with us.

Why is it so hard to make friends in this city? Because that's all we really want.

Maybe I should go to a party by myself and scare myself into meeting people. People don't seem to meet anyone anymore.

the simplest things

Since I hadn't gone outside all day, I decided to grab some Popeyes for dinner as an excuse to go outside and because I had to satiate my craving for juicy fried chicken. I walked the far, far trail to the Popeyes near the 4,5 stop to find that it was closed for renovation.

Sad that I couldn't fulfill my fried chicken needs, I settled for Burger King because I am the health god.

After I bought my food, I headed back to my apartment in my T-shirt, mismatched skirt, and out-of-place flip-flops, and it began to rain. Now I had to rush home instead of enjoy fresh air.

When I got home, I completely forgot about the rain, despite the fact that I love rain.

I've been losing sight of the things I love.
-rain
-giraffes
-board games
-exploring new spaces
-music on repeat
-Japanese dramas
-stripes
-slurpees

green baby that clean

Now that I actually have all the time in the world to start writing, I just don't. I tried to make it a habit to write every day, which I've actually accomplished so far, either here or elsewhere. However, what I really need to get done is my two spec scripts. But for some reason, now it's kind of registered in my head as 'work,' so it's getting harder for me to actually do the 'work.' 

So instead I spent like 5 hours organizing my music. Adding album artwork is so much fun and makes everything so much prettier. Best at doing nothing.

Today I went shopping and bought over $200 worth of clothes. I cry so hard and am not allowed to shop for like half a year now.

I've actually been working out now. :] I bought running shoes for the first time in my life and omg, they're fucking comfortable as FUUUUCK. I feel like I'm running on clouds. My first pair of Nikes, I see what all the hype is about finally.

Also, I have no fucking idea what to cook because I just don't like homemade food. For some reason it just tastes gross to me. I'll buy meat but then leave it in the freezer to the point where it's probably inedible. I swear I still have a pound of ground beef frozen in my freezer since February. 

Today I wandered around the grocery store for an hour and then ended up coming home with a box of Easy Mac, Hot Pockets, and a mango. A mango. Singular. For dinner, I scrambled eggs and ate them with week-old rice. 

I just juggle through the same 3 dishes: duck egg congee (it's a LOT easier to make than it sounds like), eggs with rice, and spaghetti and cheese. I legit ate spaghetti and cheese every day for a whole month in March.

The disorganization of this whole entry reflects the complete disorder my brain is currently going through as I haven't established a proper summer schedule under which to navigate each day. I've been stuck in such a strict routine for five months now that I'm unable to function without that order anymore. aggghhhhfkgjkfhhhh

A pseudo-epistle

GUYS.

This time, the address is toward the males, not the general audience, as I always like to refer to yall.

You guys are just destroying my faith in humanity with every day. In the past year, there have already been way too many instances where I have experienced your kind cheating on your significant others, with no seeming guilt.

How am I supposed to feel okay about dating for the first time when guys don't even seem to be trusted? Patrick says that maybe it's just the guys that I happen to meet, but what kind of "coincidence" is that? That every guy I have some sort of relations with IS FUCKING CHEATING ON SOMEONE. Patrick then proceeded to tell me that he read in GQ that it's actually okay to cheat.

NO.
NO.
No.

I really prefer that the rules of dating don't drastically change when I go out there because I'll have no fucking idea how to navigate the system and just end up being a dried up old person in this new world. I haven't even gotten to navigate it as a new person yet! What the fuck am I supposed to do?

But maybe half of the fault does lie on us. For letting them cheat.

Maybe I am the despicable one after all.

This summer

omgomgomg I super super miss watching Japanese dramas.

I'm watching 「私が恋愛できない理由」right now. At first, it was for Japanese practice because I hadn't touched Japanese in TWO YEARS, and I really want to interview for an internship at this Japanese TV production company in Brooklyn, so gotta brush up on some nihongo yo.

It's really hard reverting from one language to another though. I was taking Chinese this semester, so that's pretty fresh in my mind. I bumped into Sueun the other day and he started speaking Japanese to me. I understood perfectly, but only Korean came out in response, since I had just taken Korean last semester (+ was living in Korea).

"You've forgotten Japanese, haven't you?" I nodded in reply. It was so sad, but so true.

Now that I'm trying to get used to using Japanese again, my brain is just so so confused. I speak to my parents in Chinese, I occasionally text Patrick in Korean, and now I'm trying to fucking pin my Japanese back down.

The goal: to catch 'em all. I wanna be a language master.

Ahhhhhh, when am I gonna start working out again btw?? What happened to working out every day starting Tuesday? It's..... already Saturday.

This summer:
-Write spec scripts.
-Write something everyday.
-Practice all the languages?
-Work out everyday.
-Learn Photoshop.
-And still find time to read and catch up on TV.

Anyway, the drama. It's not exactly the best (What happened to the Long Vacation's and BOSS's?), but it's cute enough to keep me going. I miss squealing over romances, and I just love that this drama is about 3 girls trying to find love. I'm such a sucker for stories like this because they just make me so happy and so hopeful.

This summer, cont'd:
-Meet someone?

jewels of truth

The more self-aware I become, the more I realize how fucking gross I am.

Guys, this is the second day in a row that I haven't showered.

I know that men can go days without showering (please, never tell me), but I already feel gross. Sadly, I'm probably not going to shower until tomorrow because I have to finish this paper AND THEN OFFICIALLY BECOME A SENIOR.

Today I knew I had to knock out this whole paper, especially since I hadn't started and it's due tomorrow, but god, I've been so unmotivated and distracted so damn easily. I actually was going to go to Bobst to write this because I knew I would be infinitely more productive there, but the reason I didn't. was. because. I neither wanted to change out of my pajamas nor shower. I am so fucking lazy.

I am currently considering sleeping in a shower cap tonight so that my gross hair won't touch my pillows (whose pillowcases I haven't washed in months btw).

I'm really trying to become a better person because my current goal is to get a boyfriend---STOP. I UNDERSTAND HOW SHALLOW THIS SOUNDS, BUT THIS IS A BIG DEAL, GUYS. I'M ACTUALLY SETTLING DOWN.---but before I can even accomplish that, I need to pick myself up and get rid of this mess of a person I've become. I've seriously let myself go these past couple of years when I took myself off the dating market (of which I was never considered a part, most likely).

What happened to the kick-ass, stage-managing, going-to-rule-the-world dominatrix I used to be in high school? How did college completely rip me a new skeleton aka no skeleton? It's safe to say that I am a complete nobody and failure right now. This isn't a depression or pity-asking statement; it's a true statement. The trajectory of what I could become has been going downhill ever since I left high school. I took a career quiz the other day and it told me I would be good at being a janitor.

Patrick is constantly berating me about not having common sense, how I have absolutely no analytical skills, and he's most likely correct. However, the things I think are common sense are levels way below common sense according to him. The things that he thinks are common sense are like higher-level thinking to me. Does that just make me retarded? Or only fit to contribute to society through mopping the vomit-covered hallways of elementary schools?

What the fuck happened to me?

I shall dwell on this question while eating Easy Mac and watching Will & Grace. Instead of finishing this paper.