all i do is cry these days

My life right now is like How I Met Your Mother. It was really good to begin with, then completely went off track and sucked, and now isn't as great as it used to be anymore by so much. The only reason I'm sticking around is because I just want to see how it ends.

Chintz

Wow, I guess I really deserve having no friends.

If you keep complaining that you have no friends, you should probably be nice to the only one you have, or else you really will have none.

And I say "you" because I'm pointing directly at a certain person, who won't be reading this.

I know I can't be friends with everyone, but I should at least be friends with someone. How is it, in this huge, diverse city, I can't fully get along with just one person?

I've pretty much had a falling out with everyone I've met here. I guess the only person at this moment that I like being around is Han, but our relationship is more of an empathetic one, since we went through the same tragic times together, and we're the only person of both of us who knows every detail of our sex lives. We don't have similar enough sensibilities to ever hang out though.

Why is college of all places the most difficult to make friends? I've seriously had no trouble elsewhere. I go abroad and make more friends in a year than I have my whole college career. And Houston was such a treasure trove of people. Isn't NYC supposed to be more so?

You know you're in a bad place in life when you have so many great ideas for parties but no one to invite.

Chinese has become my favorite class hands down this semester surprisingly. The people are all so friendly, so it's a really inviting atmosphere, even though I haven't really talked with any of them.

We learned a Chinese saying the other day: 早餐要吃好，午餐要吃饱，晚餐要吃少。 It roughly translates to "Eat well for breakfast, eat fully for lunch, and eat less for dinner," but in rhythmic rhyme. I normally eat a small lunch and a big dinner, so I decided to follow this little adage in hopes of a healthier lifestyle. As of today, who knew that eating so much for lunch would keep you full for the rest of the damn day? I still haven't eaten dinner yet, but I'm still not hungry, and I have to go to bed at... oops, 30 minutes ago. I guess those two research papers won't get written tonight then.

9 days.

Only late at night do I have this peculiar tendency to not sleep and want to write something,
but what?

It's because being alone in my room, late at night, only magnifies the fact that I am alone.
That no one's bothering to call me
or talk to me
or invite me out
or

I can't sleep on it.

I'm pretty sure I fucked things up here for myself and I thought it was the right thing to do
And it was definitely the right thing to do or now I would still be bitter.
But I guess I'm used to being chosen
for being the stronger one
but this time
stronger
meant
bitter

openly bitter

and no one likes that.
and no one wants to be with that.
and no one wants to be friends with that.

no one

I'm all alone again.

I guess that's how life is supposed to be.