Fuck you

"...I'm tired of people telling me it's a 'just get over it' situation. Fuck you, you don't know what it's like in my head."

--The Newsroom, season 1, episode 6

This one line sums up how I've been feeling this whole time.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm being overdramatic, but if it wasn't actually that big of a deal to me, I would be okay. I wouldn't have flown off the handle and cut off all communication. It's so mean to ever say to someone, when he/she's looking for consolation from you in an issue that's tearing them apart, that it's not that big a deal. Because at that moment, it is. At that moment, by saying that, you've become the enemy. You say you understand so that's why it's not a big deal? That means you don't understand.

Today, I explained everything to Callie starting from the beginning of it all: Korea. I even went all the way back to freshman year, reliving all of those bad memories of the bad people. I was the most eloquent I had ever been and I wish I had it all written down. I can't remember the last time things were backward like that for me, where I'm more eloquent speaking than writing. I don't think things have ever been backward like that for me. But anyway, she did what a good friend was supposed to do: support you through thick and thin, regardless of whether it's right or wrong. She understood that it was a big deal to me, even if it wasn't to her.

There is a right and wrong way to do friendship. You can build it up perfectly, but if you don't take care of it properly, the ship will fall apart, and you can't put it back together when it's already far out at sea.

It means nothing if I just let the issue go so quickly. He wins. I don't want to be weak and just go back because it's convenient. I need to be stronger.

I've accomplished absolutely none of my goals this summer. Since this is the last thing I've set myself to do, I will see this through to the end.

It's been two days.

It's only been two days and I probably have suffered more than he has and he probably doesn't even give a damn about it.

I don't need a vacation because then I'll be alone with my thoughts which will tear me apart. I need someone else's thoughts to take the place of mine.

Sometimes I wish I could be an actress so that I could just live other people's lives.

The Black Hole

It almost seems easier to have a boyfriend than to have an actual friend because with a boyfriend, if you don't want their company anymore, you can just break up with them and never have to see each other again, no questions asked, whereas with a friend, you can't just suddenly decide, "I don't want to be your friend anymore," because any reason just seems petty, no matter how big of a deal it actually is to you.

Sometimes, you're just tired of people, and you don't want to see them again, but when yall are supposed to be "friends," it's hard to "break up" because there are no standards for doing so.

Does anyone know how to "break up" with a friend? The last time I did it, I literally ignored every advance from the guy, and it helped that I was graduating high school and moving out-of-state for college. Now though, I guess I'm graduating this year, but I'll probably still be here, but he's still friends with everyone I'm friends with...

I wish, wish, wish I had more friends here. I miss having multiple groups of friends. Here, I feel obligated to just stick with this group because otherwise, I have no one else. I can decide to be a loner yet again, but that loneliness has always resulted in tumultuous moodiness, and I lose all ambition for anything in the world because I feel like nothing matters anymore. Not a good time to hole myself up in my den when I'm supposed to be out networking for a job straight out of graduation.

Now I'm veering again, but I just feel like dreams are just all made up post-baby-boomer-era to give the next generation more optimism after dark years of a seemingly black future.

I'm getting fat :'(

omgggguhhhh

Even though showers are such a hassle, when you're out in the humidity that sticks to you like Saran wrap, the post-shower comfort is the greatest feeling in the world.

Other miscellaneous thoughts:

• Ever since senior year of high school, I've recorded in a planner the main points of every day in my life, meaning that so far I have the last 4 years of my life recorded in little journals. This summer has been the worst ever in my life because I've done absolutely nothing productive (I always successfully accomplish my goals during summers :[ New York is the worst.), yet I still don't find time to do real things. So the other day, I decided to fill in the past 2 empty months. To do so, I dug through my texts and chats for these past months and realized that my whole life can be pieced together through these technological records. Thank god for that, but also, kind of scary.
• I realized that I don't have any close girlfriends to talk to about guy stuff. I mean, I talk to Patrick about guys, but it's not the same as talking to a girl about them because we wanna be girly about it, rate them, MFK, etc. Even though he's gay, Patrick's still a guy, so he prefers to not talk about feelings and shit. I also just have other worries I want to discuss, and guys don't care. I wanna have girls' nights and hit on guys at bars together. I always go out with just two guys by my side, so I'm already unapproachable, never mind whatever factors of mine could already be repulsive.
• I spent two days in a Barnes & Noble last week just reading and it was one of the best uses of my time here this summer.

Stripes

Yay nails~

OK

"NBC has partnered with UK satcaster Sky to coproduce a retelling of Bram Stoker’s classic vampire story Dracula.

...
The story sees Dracula arrive in London, posing as an American entrepreneur while he secretly plots revenge on the people who ruined his life centuries earlier." (source)

So.... Revenge with vampires?

Summer time

Watermelon nails ♥

I've had these for almost two weeks now. My nails are growing long and it's getting hard to type and text, but I love these cuties too much to get rid of them to cut my nails :'(

So until I can think of a new nail pattern to do, I'll have to deal with being Ms. Crab Hands.

not smh at hsm!!

I spent the last approximate two hours singing along to soundtracks in my room, particularly those of High School Musical and Smash.

I've never been in such a blissful mood doing nothing productive when I think of all I don't have.

That was my ungrateful millenial status speaking, but I'm currently in the total mood to fall in love, don't have any prospects, yet I don't feel down about it. No, I'm not thinking of it in an optimistic light. In fact, I feel completely hopeless about my girlfriend-becoming abilities, but for some reason, I'm completely okay with it.

The other day, Cha was talking about how he was sexually frustrated, in spite of the fact that he has a newly-instilled girlfriend, and I realized how I wasn't, in spite of the fact that I haven't had a sexual partner for more than a month now. I just didn't feel like I needed any male companionship for some reason when that's pretty much the sad goal of my life at the moment.

Maybe it's because I currently have my first semi-stable group of friends here in New York. I'm not completely satisfied with it, but we three can constantly rely on each other to just chill, even though we live so so soooo far from each other. 42nd St to 15th St, all the way down to Financial fucking District. Patrick and I are looking for new apartments and we're totally moving up to more of the Midtown area so that we can all stay in relatively convenient locations for all of us.

We're the ultimate trifecta: straight guy + gay guy + straight girl (moiiiii), the platonic relationship Hollywood and television has not explored yet. It's such an interesting dynamic to write about, and I wish I was back at the state of productivity I was at in the beginning of this summer rather than mulling around in this incapacity to do anything real when I don't have work.